Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Family Time

My dad (Bob) came to visit this weekend from Daytona. When me and my old man spend time together, we don't hunt, fish, play golf or watch sports. We do construction projects. It doesn't matter if I am visting his house or he is visiting mine, the host always have a big project ready for the guest.

Bob has been an electrician all his life and has worked at some pretty big jobs like at the Kennedy Space Center, building a nuclear power plant just to name a couple. When we work together, no matter how old I get, I am always seen by the old man as the lowly apprentice. That is fine with me, that is what makes things fun. As the lowly apprentice, I am treated with all of the insults and demoralizing comments that a young apprentice would.

When I was very young I remember someone asking my father's father why he cussed around the kids. His reply, "if you don't cuss around your kids, they'll end up cussing worse than you." Even as an elementary schooler, I thought, "Granpa, I don't see how anybody could cuss worse than you." Bob has pretty much kept with the same thinking as Bob Sr. in this particular instance, so it is an educational experience for the whole family.

The project this weekend was to put in new recessed lighting in our kitchen, wire new track lights, move the electrical from a wall that Mrs. Ozzy wants removed, install a couple new plugs, move a couple of ceiling fans, and move the overhead dining room light. It is important to mention that dad is having problems with his heart and is going to have a defibulator/pacemaker combo installed in a couple of weeks.

Here is a list of the top 10 construction quotes with my old man:
10: Bob: "You cut that wire too short, dick lick."
Me: "How many of your apprentices have you made cry?"
Bob: "Most of 'em. Some are just criers."
9: Me: "Ok, here's what I'm thinking - "
Bob: "Johnny, you tell me what you are thinking and I’ll tell you why you are wrong. (my dad calls all apprentices "Johnny" even if they are female, unless the female has large breasts, then they are "Judy" which is short for "Judy Juggernauts")
8: Me: "pull that wire back a hair."
Bob: "a public hair?" (yes, i spelled it as he said it)
7: Bob: "Don't argue with me boy, or I'll revoke your license."
6: Bob looking at a box I cut in for a plug about 5 years ago, "What kind of non union sh1t job is this?"
5: Bob: "I'm glad I'm not on a heart monitor right now."
4: Bob farts then says, "mmm nerves got the best of me."
3: Bob: "I'm going to sit here in the foreman's chair and pet the 'crotch cannibal' (a nickname he has for the large dog Icee) while I watch Johnny put this box together.
2: Ozzy Jr. after Bob has gone back to Florida while watching me work with a ceiling fan, "I'm going to call grampa and tell him to come back here 'cause Johnny can't seem to get it right.
And #1 comes after each part of the project is successfully completed: "Another job, well done by union craft."

Saturday, October 24, 2009

My Badge II

I've written about my badge before. I don't take proper care of it. Wednesday evening after a long and productive day at the office, my badge happened to fall out of my car. Then my dog ate part of it. It took a day or so to find it in the yard amoungst all the other once cool stuff that he has torn up, but I think it is safe to say that it no longer functions properly. I have been spraying that bitter stuff to keep dogs from chewing on things on everything that I own, but I failed to spray the old corporate badge. In spite of spraying everything with the bitter crap, and buying him $50 worth of chew toys, the list of what he has destroyed continues to grow.

  • 1 badge

  • 3 exterior door knobs

  • 1 awesome moustache magnet my daughter bought for me
  • 1 grain bag for steeping
  • Many shoes
  • Many plastic recyclable items
  • 2 pool cues
  • 1 exterior door frame
  • 1 big shrub in the landscaping
  • 8 feet of 4" drainage pipe
  • Flowers
  • 2 slats on the front porch
  • 2 dog beds
  • A 2 gallon bucket
  • 2 catcher's mits
  • 2 bike helmets
  • 1 catcher's helmet
  • Multiple carpenter's pencils

...I'm too broke and depressed to list any more.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I'm Pretty Sure Its Jesus

We had company today, and they smoke, so we spent some time in the garage. Page says, "there is a face in your dog door." I say, "I'm pretty sure it's Jesus." What do you think? CLICK on the picture to enlarge.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Real Answers

There are several questions that many people ask me almost daily, and I'd like to answer them here and now so that we can intelligently discuss beer, tattoos, women, giving back to the community, or something that interests you. Warning: These are the smart ass answers, but truthful nonetheless.

1) Do you see everything blue through those glasses?
No, they are prescription and without them everything is blurry.

2) How much did that tattoo cost?
A lot less than your Lexus and it will last longer.

3) How can you give blood when you were just tattooed?
If you weren't tattooed in prison, under a bridge, or on a bar stool (you know who you are) you can give blood if you were just tattooed.

4) How much do you get paid for your platelets?
The Red Cross doesn't pay for any blood product. I give because there are very sick people that need something that I can give them.

5) Is that moustache for some kind of contest?
No, I just enjoy spending time twisting it. You should grow one yourself. If you are physically unable, I may let you twist mine.

6) How does your wife like the beard?
She hates it. She hates the moustache as well. Thanks for asking.

7) What kind of beer do you make?
Beer that chicks will enjoy drinking.

8) You work in audit, does that mean you a numbers guy?
I like the numbers on my pay check. If they were higher, I would like them more.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Free Tanqueray Still Having Effects

On 8/24/2009 I wrote a blog called "Free Tanqueray" about a wedding I attended that my wife planned. If you haven't read that blog, this won't make much sense.

Mrs Ozzy and I enter our favorite Mexican restaraunt (The Margarita House on Lowery) yesterday for an early dinner. There were some folks at one of the tables that were in their mid to late sixties that I didn't recognize. As soon as I am in their view they begin welcoming me like I was a long lost friend. "Hey, great to see you, what happened to that moustache? We loved that moustache." As I walk towards their table I'm thinking, "I LOVE these people, but who the hell are they?" Mrs Ozzy bailed me out by introducing them as the parents and aunt of the bride at the wedding. Got it. I remember now.
So, they start talking, "We got the film in the cameras developed that were at the tables for the reception. We ended up putting them in two photo albums. If you are looking at an album, everytime you turn the page there is another crazy picture of you in those glasses with that moustache."
Then they gave us each a frozen margarita out of their pitcher.
It's good to be loved.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Worst Commercial Lately

Some TV commercials just get under my skin. I know, "DVR it and you can fast forward through them", but I am not that committed to what I choose to watch. So, I just have to bitch about it. The one that is really bugging me now is the TMobile My Touch commercial. You know, the one with the little catchy song with Whoopi Goldberg, Phil Jackson and Jesse James passing around the phone with the cute photos on it? I have seen that commercial at least 50 times, and I had to look up what product the damn thing was pushing prior to writing this. So, if I can't remember the product, how effective is the marketing?
And just who are these marketing people trying to relate to? "if you want to be you, be you, and if you want to be me, be me..." I don't have a desire to even have lunch with these people. I have nothing in common with them and I dare say most other people in the market for a cell phone don't relate to them either. A has-been comedian, an old, no personality basketball coach and a sell-out bike builder? Give me a break.
It would be irresponsible to criticize and not offer alternatives, so, TMobile, if you are listening, here's something that would interest this everyday kid and his friends with money enough to buy your stupid phone.

1. Mariah Carey singing "Touch my Body" while doing anything with the phone. Surely she would be cheaper than the combination of those other three morons, and she is scorching hot.

2. Keep the same cast, and instead of Cat Stevens, play The Divinyl's "I Touch Myself." That would be funny.

3. Not a great idea, but better than yours, how about MC Hammer presenting the phone to his "Can't Touch This." He needs the money.

So, I won't be buying a TMobile phone because your commercial sucks. But hey, maybe TMobile has it right, and as Hall & Oats said, I'm just "Out of Touch."