Friday, November 28, 2008

Top Ten Disturbing Things That Were Said While Setting Up an Air Mattress With My Father-In-Law

Thanksgiving at the inlaws means you have make shift sleeping arrangements. Setting up the air mattress with a 73 year old man can yield some entertaining comments.

10. Is it in far enough?
9. Feel it. Is it hard enough yet?
8. It isn’t going to work if you don’t keep it pushed up in there.
7. You have to use a certain size thing to stick in.
6. Do we need to try to stick it in the other hole?
5. This one isn’t getting it done like the other one was.
4. Do you have something to punch through this membrane?
3. Its supposed to hold it in there while you screw this thing on.
2. This hole is too big, its gonna leak out.
1. Let me get on my knees before you pull it out.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Parenting II - Land lording

I was wakened by a call on my cell at 3:30 Sunday morning, it was Teddy Monster, one of my renters. Teddy was more than slightly inebriated. He commences to tell me how much he appreciated me and that he was quite frustrated with his work situation at present. He explained that he was telling his girlfriend Angela about his woes at work and he kicked the oven in his house breaking the glass in the door. (When you break the glass in an oven door, its like breaking a car door window. There are 100,00 pieces that you continue to find a year after the "accident.") Anyway, drunk Teddy tells me he doesn't know how he's going to do it, but he's gonna buy me a new range. Being the caring person that I am, I tried to get him to tell me more about his job situation, but he ignored me.

I visited them the following day to survey the damage. He had done a number on the oven door. I asked his girlfriend, Angela, if she approved of his calling at 3:30 am, she said she didn't. I asked what she was doing while he was babling to me on the phone she said, "cleaning." This week Teddy is on the hunt for a new oven door and is sorry and feels like "an ass". Angela is not planning on roasting a turkey next week.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Sometimes you can't help but be proud of your kids for thinking outside of the box. Wyatt is in 4th grade. His artistic abilities may be in question, but he certainly knows how to get straight to the point in the spelling exercise where the student is supposed to draw a picture that represents the word. Unfortunately, his teacher counted off for Wyatt's pictoral description of the word "rear" in #4. Her comment being, "didn't discuss this definition!"

Monday, November 3, 2008


Gotta make some more beer tonight because our latest batch spoiled. I want to cry when I have to pour 5 gallons of love and hard work on to the compost pile. I am 90% sure that our problem is with the liquid yeast we are using. I tasted a little of it after I poured out our latest batch and it was bad. So, we will now use dry yeast only.

On a more happy note, I began growing my moustache for Moustache May this week. You find out who your true friends are when you have a luxurious moustache.

My first velvet painting arrived last week. The Great Brandini has agreed to display my collection at his new office.