Friday, February 27, 2009

You Can't Overcome Dumb

Actual phone conversation (about the 9th today) from a VP where I work.
VP: Ozzy, did you create those sample files where is describes the size and seed, etc.
Ozzy: Yes. They are in the directory where all of the other files are.
VP: I'm not seeing them. All I see are the Excel files. We REALLY need these for the external auditors when they come to review our work.
Ozzy: They are out there. They start with an "R".
VP: I'm still not seeing them.
Ozzy: What software are you using to view the directory?
VP: Excel
Ozzy: They aren't Excel files, they are text files.
VP: What does that mean?
Ozzy: You should be looking in Window's Explorer, not Excel. Just pull up Window's Explorer and you will see them.
VP: I thought Explorer was how you got to the internet.
Ozzy: That is Internet Explorer.
VP: Then I have no idea what you are talking about. Would my admin know?
Ozzy (thinking): I have a 10 year old son and a 9 week old puppy that would know.
Ozzy: Yes. She would know.
VP: Well I will get with her then.

An Experiment

I had a lot of "experiments" as a young boy that did not end well. Just ask my old man, he reminds me every chance he gets 35 years later. Like the time I tasted a miniscule piece of an elephant ear plant. Be advised, don’t do it. Or the time I tried to see what it would be like to be blind, so I closed my eyes and tried to walk to the end of my grandparents dock. The height of this dock was about 10 feet off of the river bank. Lets just say I was lucky it was high tide because I only made it about 5 steps.
Wyatt was in the car with Pam and decided he needed to test the cigarette lighter. Why he thought that the best way to do this experiment was to touch it to the end of his nose, I’m not quite sure.

Monday, February 23, 2009

May I intoduce to you, Mr. and Mrs. Teddy Monster!

Teddy and Angela went and got married last week. Please join me in congratulating the newly weds. I don't know what Teddy's real last name is, so don't try to look up the announcement in the paper. I must say that I am very happy for them and wish them all the best.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Secret is Out...

Now, all of Nashville (or the few that actually still read the paper) realizes that my wife is not a fan of my moustache. This was a write up last Tuesday's Tennessean on the resurgence of the lip rug. She learned an important lesson in this experience. If you a woman, DON'T TELL A REPORTER YOUR AGE.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit

A friend of mine turned me on to this desk calendar (page-a-day by Workman publishing). Only 49 days into the year and this calendar has produced several gems. Listed below are my personal favorites so far:

1/20 - take it to the next level - To ratchet up. The phrase may be used in reference to intensity or performance but often is just thrown out there for effect, leaving the "it" undefined.

2/5 - diversity - A mix of many different kinds of people; something many companies are supposedly deeply committed to in the form of office politics. Somehow, everybody thinks serving cafeteria food that "represents" and "teaches about" different groups of people is a great idea.

2/7 - constructive criticism - Negative feedback presented in a helthy and useful manner, according to the person delivering it. When the boss [or his designee] says, "This looks like shit", take it as constructive criticism.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday the 13th Fun!

If you are looking for something pre-Valentines to get your sweetie in the mood, come out tonight and check out Panty Raid! at the Exit/In in Nashville. I've seen them twice, and its always a good time. Hey, don't just take my word for it, THE Robert Plant says, "They're so charming!"

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My old man loves animals. He calls them "God's creatures." He wasn't always like this. "Old age" has mellowed him. I've seen him kill a rattle snake, which now he would never do because it because "They are God’s creatures.” We raised rabbits when I was a kid for pets, meat, etc. I think we had eighty-something at one time. I've seen him hang a rabbit by its hind legs and hit it in the head with a lead pipe. I don't think he would do that now unless he was really hungry for some hasenpfeffer. Now he photographs animals (mostly birds) and collects them. Collects is a good word. He lives in Florida and when I went to visit in December, he had seven dogs, eight guinea pigs and 20 or so little birds. I helped him give 6 of the pigs away on Craig’s List, but I could tell he couldn’t stand to lose any more. In the pic above he is “five dogging.” Dad has an afternoon nap almost every day, and every day the dogs nap with him. Usually there is one more dachshund that sleeps up around his head, (then he would be “six dogging” his nap) but she opted out of this picture.

For 12 years my family only had one dog. My oldest daughter was given a dog last year by her boyfriend (which we affectionately called “shit bird”). Of course, shit bird didn’t ask us before he decided to bestow this Chihuahua on our house. So, like it or not we now had two dogs. Our oldest dog Amiga had to be put down after Christmas, so we were left with the less than amicable Chihuahua.

We have since adopted two puppies, one to replace Amiga (replace is a horrible choice of words, Amiga can never be replaced) and one on impulse. Now we have three dogs and I’m feeling like I’m turning into my old man. And it isn’t that bad really.

Thursday, February 5, 2009


My goal is to post once per week. I have failed.
I was sick this week. Don't know why, but I got to watch some good solid TV. Here's my 2 day sick list of what I watched when I wasn't sleeping, working, or huling.
  • Ground Hog Day. - Never gets old
  • A Fist Full of Dollars - Its good even if I couldn't understand half of the dialog
  • For a Few Dollars More - I used the subtitles, it was great.
  • Charmed, the mermaid episode - Alyssa Milano in pasties. Enough said. (thanks Kat for letting me know this was on)
  • Rock of Love, the bus tour - Why did I waste my time with this trash?

A special thanks to Tiger who put together the characature for my blog. He is a better artist than he is a developer. (That was a joke).