This is where I start...

My wife Pam is out of town taking care of her mother, so now is a good time to start this thing.

Cell phones are a wonderful invention, but I am hacked that no one calls them out on how non-green they are. Hey, I'm not a tree hugger by any stretch, but this is obscene. My dog ate one of my phone chargers and my daughter lost the other one for this phone. My bride took the third to her mother's with her. No problem right? I have a drawer full of old chargers. None of the damn things fit into the hole in my girly phone. Don't tell me Samsung can't make one bloody charger for all of their phones and sell the cords separately. They do sell the cords separately now, but I don't want to pay $32 when I have a drawer full of Samsung chargers. I'm sure phone chargers will soon overtake disposable diapers and telephone books as the items that take up the most room in the landfills. So, maybe they can't put the same little female hole on each phone. Well, if you can't do that, then you should have a small device that adapts that phone to the standard. I asked the guy at the phone store if they had such a device. "No, you have to buy the whole cord." Of couse.
So, I acquiesce and buy the $32 charger, and the guy says, "do you have a blue tooth?" I reply, "were you going to throw one in for the purchase of this charger?" Of course not. He just wants me to buy one. I told him if I could use one of my chargers out of my drawer, maybe I would have the resources to buy one.
Problem solved. I now have a phone charger. Getting in my car (which is kind of my daughter's car, but she is in college and I won't let her drive it there) I hear the distinct sound of a seam ripping. I have ripped a 4 inch hole in the butt of my pants. I haven't been to work yet and it's 10:00, so I go on in. I give Pam a call just to share my predicament. She can't believe i'm not going home. I am very committed to my company and my job. I'm going in.
At the door, I ask a coworker, which is also a coworkers wife if she can tell I ripped my pants. "Oh no, you are fine", she says. I'm feeling a little breeze, so I have to get a second opinion. I ask two more friends and they say for sure you can tell. Well, I was going to lunch at 11:00 so I'll just sit at my desk the rest of the afternoon.
I am getting in the car to meet some friends for lunch and I hear that now familiar ripping sound. Oops. Now there is a huge rip in the seat of my pants. Ironically I'm meeting my friends at the CRACKer Barrell.