To Cut, or Not to Cut?

We visited my dad in Daytona last weekend. Pam and Wyatt went to the beach, I stayed to help the old man get some work done around the property. We put in about 500 feet of fencing, and in the process, I asked him if he wanted me to cut "down" this red bud tree that is growing horizontally across the front of his house. After all, I had the chainsaw out and it would take but a minute. His response, "f*** you, the fantom rides." I took that as a "no." My opinion is that if you like the tree so much, if you cut it down to a stump, it will grow back VERTICALLY, as a tree should. He wasn't buying it. So, I ask, what should be done with the tree?

His First Ass Whippin

I had baseball practice so Pam took the puppies to puppy class with my daughter. I think everything went good until the end of class when a seven month old mastiff unprovoked grabbed my 20lb puppy "Icee" by the neck and commenced to lifting him off the ground and shaking him. Pam valiantly jumped in and in trying to break the death grip was bitten by Icee on the thumb, which hit a vein and she began bleeding like a victim of a jordin tootoo fight. Finally, the dog let go, the owner (this older woman that has no business with a dog that will eventually weigh more than she does) gracefully cleaned up Icee's bodily functions which he understandably lost control of during the ordeal. When Pam looked up she said there were people 3 deep looking into the training area of the store. They should have charged admission. These pics are of both sides of his neck.

Pam's thumb is sore, but getting better, both she and Icee are on antibiotics. I need to call the manager and tell him it would be wise to cover Icee's vet bill.

Meetings…

So, I have to go to an offsite meeting this morning. Nine to eleven. Two hours. Ugh. Going to meet with a woman named Chigger. If a person is named after a bug, they should at least be good looking. The opperative word here is "should." Why would someone name their kid after something that crawls under your skin, leaves a welp, and annoys the hell out of you? I am not comfortable going into someone else’s territory and trying to poke holes in what they are doing, but I think that is what was expected of me. Anyway, I am sitting there, and to me these guys appear to know what they are doing. They do this all the time, their methodologies appear to be reasonable. About an hour in I am studying this SQL, and the contact lens in my right eye curls up and I am partially blinded. It is under my eyelid and being annoying, so I am trying to discretely roll my eyes, pull my upper eyelid over the lower (I was glad the lights were out and we were watching dude go through his code on the data show). Anyway, after about ten minutes of trying to dislodge this foreign object, I succeed. It pops out, and I pop it in my mouth. I don’t feel getting up is appropriate because basically this is why I am here. So, I figure I’ll wait until we are finished, find someone in the building I know and borrow some solution. Well, eleven o’clock came and went and they are still talking. I’m trying to position this thing in my mouth to keep it safe. Eleven thirty - still talking. Someone asks me a question about how another dept is handling this situation and I tried to answer without revealing the contents of my mouth, and without spitting it on them. Then, I inhaled. Damnit! As I try to put together a cohesive sentence for this nice lady, my contact is now working its way through my digestive system. The meeting ended, and I can’t see out of my right eye.

You Can't Overcome Dumb

Actual phone conversation (about the 9th today) from a VP where I work.
VP: Ozzy, did you create those sample files where is describes the size and seed, etc.
Ozzy: Yes. They are in the directory where all of the other files are.
VP: I'm not seeing them. All I see are the Excel files. We REALLY need these for the external auditors when they come to review our work.
Ozzy: They are out there. They start with an "R".
VP: I'm still not seeing them.
Ozzy: What software are you using to view the directory?
VP: Excel
Ozzy: They aren't Excel files, they are text files.
VP: What does that mean?
Ozzy: You should be looking in Window's Explorer, not Excel. Just pull up Window's Explorer and you will see them.
VP: I thought Explorer was how you got to the internet.
Ozzy: That is Internet Explorer.
VP: Then I have no idea what you are talking about. Would my admin know?
Ozzy (thinking): I have a 10 year old son and a 9 week old puppy that would know.
Ozzy: Yes. She would know.
VP: Well I will get with her then.

An Experiment

I had a lot of "experiments" as a young boy that did not end well. Just ask my old man, he reminds me every chance he gets 35 years later. Like the time I tasted a miniscule piece of an elephant ear plant. Be advised, don’t do it. Or the time I tried to see what it would be like to be blind, so I closed my eyes and tried to walk to the end of my grandparents dock. The height of this dock was about 10 feet off of the river bank. Lets just say I was lucky it was high tide because I only made it about 5 steps.
Wyatt was in the car with Pam and decided he needed to test the cigarette lighter. Why he thought that the best way to do this experiment was to touch it to the end of his nose, I’m not quite sure.

May I intoduce to you, Mr. and Mrs. Teddy Monster!

Teddy and Angela went and got married last week. Please join me in congratulating the newly weds. I don't know what Teddy's real last name is, so don't try to look up the announcement in the paper. I must say that I am very happy for them and wish them all the best.

The Secret is Out...

Now, all of Nashville (or the few that actually still read the paper) realizes that my wife is not a fan of my moustache. This was a write up last Tuesday's Tennessean on the resurgence of the lip rug. She learned an important lesson in this experience. If you a woman, DON'T TELL A REPORTER YOUR AGE.