My Badge

I don't have a good reputation keeping up with my corporate badge. My wife knows I can't keep up with it, the security guards in my building know me on a first name basis because I can't keep up with it, and I don't do anything about it. Some people have those spring loaded things that attach them to their belt, I just carry mine in my shirt pocket. No clip, no pocket protector, just a thin badge. I guess having it attached to me would symbolize that I am attached to corporate America. I don't want that.
So, this afternoon I get up from my chair and instinctively pull out my badge from my front pocket. The phone rings. I reach did answer the phone and as if in slow motion, my badge falls into my chair. I tried to retrieve it for 10 minutes, turning it upside down, banging it on the floor, reaching my hand into it. Nothing worked. Through the commotion, my office neighbor comes by and I tell her my story. She doesn't believe me. So, we take the chair to an interior door across the hall and lift it up to the badge reader. It beeps and turns green. She busts out laughing and I go downstairs to confess to security.
While I am out she decides to have a little fun and tells one of our gullible friends that she has discovered that this certain chair is magnatized in such a way as it opens a door just like a badge. They roll my chair to the door and lift it to the card reader. Beep. The friend is amazed. She wants to try another chair. They do. No beep. Then another. No beep. Now my neighbor can't control her laughter.

Sex Does Sell...even for VBS

We sit down in church Sunday, and there is a flyer about upcoming events laying on the pew. The clipart at the top of the page catches my eye and I say to Mrs. Ozzy, "If all of the young moms are going to wear skirts like that, I'm won't miss Vacation Bible School." She then called me a pervert. Right in chuch. Check the clipart out here.

Boys will be boys

I coach a 9/10 year old baseball team. It's the first age group that plays kid pitch, so it is always an interesting time. We have this kid on the team, we'll call him Tommy, its his first season playing baseball, but he has played football and he's a good athlete. Tommy is always into the game and has a great attitude, and is a pretty good defensive player. He hasn't quite got the hitting thing down yet.
Well, in our second inning at-bat, Tommy asked to go to the bathroom. He was'nt batting for another several batters and there weren't any outs, so, no problem.
Fast forward to the forth inning.
Tommy: "Coach, I gotta pee"
Me: "boy, you just went in the second inning"
Tommy: "i've gotta go BAD'
Me: "You are next on deck. No, you can't go"
Tommy: "I can't hold it."
A voice from the dugout: "Do you have a gatorade bottle?"
Tommy: "Ya, but its half full"
A voice from the dugout: "hurry up and drink it"
The next thing I know is that there is a ruckus in the corner and kids exclaiming, "He's doing it!"
Tommy is behind the 55 gallon drum trash can peeing in the gatorade bottle. At that moment, he was supposed to be on deck. The kid at the plate strikes out, and I say, "dude, you've got to get out of here now."
He drops the bottle, the dugout erupts with panic, he runs to the plate, pants unziped, unsnapped, belt unbuckled. So, now he's in the batters box trying unsuccesfully to redress himself. The umpire is looking at him like he just peed in the dugout, and the 3rd base coach comes over and gives him a hand with getting himself back together.
Meanwhile, I look in the corner of the dugout, there are splatters of what I'm sure is urine on the wall and as I walk to the scene of the crime, I see a gatorade bottle laying on its side on the ground containing what appears to be a clear liquid. I pick up the bottle with my fingertips and toss it in the trash, getting another shocked response from the team.
I don't remember what Tommy did at his at bat, I'd like to say he hit a home run, but I know that wasn't the case. He was delighted to be the entertainment for a few minutes.

May

May is gone and its a little sad because Moustache May is always a great time. I will keep the moustache, but will trim it down a little over my mouth.
Ashlee started a new job in Murf. so, she is now working someplace that has insurance and has gloves to use.
Baseball season is nearing a close. It hasn't been the season I'd hoped for, but I have learned a lot, so in that respect it has been good. We'll see what happens in the fall.

You Have Got to Be Kidding Me

Ashlee (my 21 year old daughter) comes home from her volunteer job at the reduced fee medical clinic yesterday and tells me this story. They only wear surgical gloves when they are donated to them (I did not know this until yesterday). So, yesterday there were no surgical gloves. She takes blood from this patient to do some tests, and just as she disposes of the syringe, the patient says, "you are going to do an HIV test on that as well aren't you?"

I will be donating a box of surgical gloves every time my daughter works from here forward.

Superman

I see this guy I know out at the ballpark this weekend. He and his wife got some little chinese symbol tattoo on their legs a year or so ago. He comes up to me at the ball park and asks if I have gotten any more work done. I know he's dying to show me a new tattoo. So I ask him. It turns out to be a solid black superman symbol on his shoulder. He said "you like it?" I reply, "well at least it is big enough that it can't be mistaken for a dirt clod."

A Graduate!

Ashlee is my oldest daughter, she turned 21 last week and last night graduated from Xray tech school. She is currently taking her state boards and looking for a job. I am very proud of her. She has come an extremely long way since she stole that woman's car who was on her death bed. But that is another story. Tonight we are going to celebrate at a local club called Silverado's. I am pretty sure it isn't my kind of hang out, but I am going to have some fun anyway.

So, at the graduation, after the commencement speech (which was pretty good) a bat started flying around inside the venue. It disrupted the ceremony the rest of the way through. It was very entertaining because people in the audience would be screaming as it swooped over their heads and none of the presenters said a word about it, even though they were getting harassed as well.