Ozzfest

Teenager

2011-06-07T11:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Ozzy Jr's 13th birthday. I asked him how it felt to be a teenager. His one-word answer: "Hairy"

Faces of frustration

2011-03-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

Day 6 at the Red Cross

Day 7 Front Yard

I Make Me Sick

2011-03-16T14:09:00.000-07:00

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

We were out with friends on Saturday night, and they took a picture of me and Mrs Ozzy with my phone. I looked at the phone and thought to myself how much of a fat sumbitch I look. It's funny how a person can look in the mirror every day and think one thing, then look at a photo and think, "howthehell did this happen?"
That is when I decided I would take a picture of my fat face every day and post it to the internet. No cropping, color adjustment, brightness, just as it is. Since it has been a few days since my revelation, I have several posts to do here. I vow to post a photo of my fat face until it is no longer fat, whether I like it or not.

Privacy

2010-12-05T15:11:00.000-08:00

Ozzy Jr is like most 12 year old boys I guess. Sometimes he is the most modest person in the world, others he's Mr Showoff. His shower time is his time to go in the bathroom, lock the door, turn on the water full blast hot and stay for however much time it takes for me to tell him 30 times to get out. Before the final 'get your skinny ass out of the shower before I come in there and pull you out', there has to be:
(Knock knock) wet your hair and wash it.
(Knock knock) put soap on your body.
and followed by
(Knock knock) dry off, comb your hair and put your deodorant on.
For some reason, if he isn't told, any of the above gets 'forgot'. I don't remember having this problem with my girls.
At the same time, he thinks he has free reign to go wherever he wants without knocking. Saturday night, he strolls in the bathroom on me hopefully for the last time. I retaliated by removing his bathroom door from its hinges. I hope this helps, but it kind of puts a crimp on any plans of having a holiday party.
My old man would probably say I was "cruel and unusual."

Picture This

2010-11-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

I hate all politicians.
With the midterm elections over I thought I would blog about one of my favorite politicians and why I liked this particular SOB more than most of the other SOBs.
That politician would be Ross Perot. Old Big Ears didn't start out as a politician and I don't think he ever wanted to really be one based on his record of getting in and out of races and his bone head VP selection. But there is one thing about Ross Perot that I really liked that no politician has done before or since.
Show me a picture. Ross Perot used charts to tell the American people the state of the nation, and it was effective. He understood that not all of us are auditory learners.
Instead of telling me how horrible the other guy is, or how great a family man you are, show me how much of my tax dollars are going to war and what is going to my old man's viagra.
Show me a picture of how the debt is rising and why.
Many of the business meetings that we all attend have power point, but politicians don't want to get into the 21st century.

Politicians, quit giving me these sound bytes and one liners and give me facts laid out on a bar chart, pie chart, trend graph, spider chart, scattergram, donut, whatever. Give me a chart that shows historical evidence that what you are doing is going to solve the problems, and show me what doing nothing has historically done.

Just please shut up and show me a picture.

Pond Scum

2010-10-12T18:14:00.000-07:00

We visited my dad this weekend. Ozzy Jr and I were in the front yard admiring his koi fish pond. Ozzy pointed out that the boy urinating fountain wasn't flowing properly. I was fooling around with the pump system on the bottom of the pond to try to figure it out when my old man came out to check out the situation. Bobarino, as I like to call him sometimes, was definitely embarrassed that the urinating boy had what may have been performance anxiety. He bends over to show me how the network of pvc was hooked up to the pump, his phone fell out of his top shirt pocked into the water.
He wasn’t upset, he jumped in the pond pulled the bucket out that contained the pump and started looking for the phone on the bottom of the murky water. After about 5 minutes of him looking I got into my swim suit and jumped in. The water was quite cold. After a few minutes, I commented that I was starting to get used to it. Dad’s comment was, “wait until it hits your nads.” Finally, I asked, “hey, did you look in that bucket?” “I checked the bucket, numb nuts”, was his loving reply. He humored me and looked in the bucket and there it is. The phone.
So, we took a photo. Dad took the battery and sim card out, put the phone in a bowl of white rice. The next morning, the phone was fine.

A Bird of A Different Color

2010-10-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

The Titans are in trouble again this week for a hand jesture the defensive coordinator Chuck Cecil chose to use after a questionable call by the referees. Last year the 80 something year old owner of the Titans, Bud Adams, gave the owner of the Buffalo Bills a double dose of the same jesture. They were both scolded and fined by the NFL.

I don't make a habit of shooting the bird. However, my Granpa Bob was a master of the single finger salute. I remember him using it after he was ushered into the second row of my sister's wedding. To all of the guests. Granpa Bob shot the bird at doctors, nurses, lawyers, policemen, clergy, people wanting to take his photo, it really didn't matter. But he had such a way with the bird, you really didn't take it as an insult, it was more like a compliment. "How was your day honey?" "It sucked, then Bob Nelson shot me the bird, then all was well."

A few years ago, I went to Ozzfest. On the second stage was Slipknot, Hatebread and Lamb of God. After each song, the fans would shoot birds at the 'artists.' That is how they deomonstrated that they were enjoying the show. The bands loved it and returned the birds.
Granpa Bob would be proud.

Moon Festival

2010-09-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

I work with a great diverse group of people. I have blogged about Bangchi before, she is originally from China and I have worked with her for more than 10 years. She was leaving work yesterday and told me that last night was the Chinese moon festival. Here's our conversation:
Bangchi: Hey tonight is the moon festival.
Ozzy: Does that mean you are going to moon people?
Bangchi: What?
Ozzy: Is that where you moon people?
Bangchi: I don't understand.
Ozzy: Google it.

Bangchi gets on the elevator to leave and about 5 minutes later I get a text, "Y r a bad boy". I knew she meant "U" not "Y".

I get the story from her this morning about how she found out.
She gets out of the elevator to leave and greets another member of the department Rodney. This is my understanding of how the conversation went.

Rodney: Hey Bangchi, great to see you.
Bangchi: Can I ask you a question, "What is a moon people?"
Rodney: What?
Bangchi: I was telling Ozzy that tonight was the moon festival and he asked if I was going to moon people.

Rodney, laughing turns his back to her and pretends to pull the back end of his pants down.

Bangchi now understands and is breaking up laughing.

Midnight Stroll

2010-09-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

Once a year my office travels to a state park for 4 days of training. More than 100 people. Most born in the 80s. Each night there is what turns out to be a late night party at the state park cabins. This year I stayed in the lodge but got a ride to where the party was. After a few beers, I decided it was time for me to leave. I looked at the clock, it was about 12:15. It didn't look like my ride was ready to go yet, so I thought I'd just get some exercise and walk the distance from the cabins (a mile at the most) back to the Inn.

I had stayed in this state park several times before, and I knew the way, piece of cake. A few steps down the road, i realized I had left my cell phone to charge in my room. No biggie people have been walking back home in the dark from bars for thousands of years without a cell phone.

There wasn't a star in the sky and the moon was dark. Walking to the main road was so dark the only way I could tell that I was actually walking on the pavement is how it felt beneath my feet. I must have missed the sign telling me which way the Inn was, because I didn't think I needed it.
Somewhere between the cabins and the main road, something happened, I forgot I was at Pickwick State park (where you turn right to go back to the Inn) and Fall Creek Falls (where you turn left). Or vise-versa, hell i don't know. So, I think I am heading back to the lodge, and an old minivan approached me from the opposite direction that i was walking and the man asked if I was having car trouble or needed help. I said, "no, I'm good." I thought, "I haven't even finished this beer I have in my hand yet, I don't need a ride." That was the last car that I saw.

I walked, and walked. I thought to myself, "trust yourself man, you know you are going the right way, just keep walking."

You know one of those gates that they use to close off roads in state parks? I ran into one of those that was blocking what I thought was the road back to the Inn. Here I pondered, "this must not be right." By now I had long finished my beer, and I was getting thirsty. So, I turned around. And walked. I finally came back to the intersection that would take me to the cabins. I found the sign and with my face inches from it in order to read it, I confirmed that I had gone the wrong way.

Now I had to make a decision, do I go back to the cabin, grab a beer and join the party or maybe ask for a ride back to the Inn, or continue on the correct path and finish what I started.

Going back to the cabin is admitting failure, so I began the walk back to the Inn. I was wearing a black shirt and I knew there may be traffic, I knew there would be drunks on the road coming back to the Inn. So I took my shirt off. I had gone about a hundred yards when I was passed by a car. I knew it was someone going from the cabins to the Inn and sure enough, they stopped. Turns out it was Jeremey, who actually brought me to the cabins hours before. As they passed they are saying to each other, "who is that sweaty tattooed idiot walking down the street in the middle of the night? Oh, its Ozzy."

They stopped and I got a ride back to my room. It was 1:30.

Planning. Important.

2010-08-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

We've had a lot of trouble this summer keeping Icee in the yard. He escaped a few weeks ago and lost his invisible fence collar. Now he is running amuck. I'm sure our neighbors hate us. He drags stuff from our yard across the street to theirs, steals their dog toys, chases birds up trees in their flower beds, and who knows what else.
Mrs Ozzy bought a new collar last week and thought it would be a good idea to move the control unit from the garage to inside the house because it seems to go a little wacky when it rains or is above 90 degrees. Cool, I wired a new plug for it in the laundry room, ran the boundry wire across the ceiling of the garage and into the house. I get the thing all hooked up and we go to test it.
Nothing. For the dog to get shocked he would have to lay still on the boundry wire. This won't work. Mrs Ozzy checked the manual. Oh, surprise, you can't put the control unit within 3 feet of a large metal object. Hmm, I think our washer and dryer could be considered large and metal.
So, now I'll put it by the back door. Damn. The back door is metal too.
I'm still looking for a good location.

Dog Days of Summer

2010-07-16T06:29:00.000-07:00

Poco is in trouble with a branch of the United States Government. It has been alleged that she bit the mailman. Mind you, these accusations are contradicted by eye witness accounts at the scene. Where is the justice here? What happened to "innocent until proven guilty"? What about due process? Does she not get the opportunity to confront her accuser? Poco is feeling very disenfranchised because of the oppression brought on by this decision. Does this look like the face of a criminal? I think not. What I do think is that our mail man is lazy and doesn't want to walk to our door anymore and what better excuse than to blame a perfectly innocent and defenseless animal of a crime she did not commit. Poco will now throw herself at the mercy of the court of public opinion.

The Weather

2010-07-02T08:04:00.000-07:00

My 1991 Toyota pickup just went past 200k miles. That's good.
I'm driving it because my car won't pass emissions. It need as catalytic converter $400. That's bad.
The Check Engine light which had been illuminated for some months actually went out the first of June (the tags expired in April) so I headed for the testing place to see if it would pass. That's good.
Two blocks before I got there, the light came back on. That's bad.
My truck runs fine. That's good.
The air conditioning went out on it June 2. That's bad.
I'm saving my money to get my car where it will pass emissions. I should have it fixed by winter time. That's good.
The heater doesn't work my car and it was going to be $400 to fix. That's bad.
The heater in the truck works great. That's good.
Right now its July and its hot. I don't give a damn about how good the heater works.

Las Vegas Wedding

2010-06-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

My oldest daughter Ashlee got married in Las Vegas on June 21st at The Chapel of the Flowers. My other daughter Kelsey turned 21 years on in Las Vegas on June 23rd. We also took our 12 year old son, Ozzy Jr. We got to Vegas on Sunday the 20th and left on the 24th. The bride and groom stayed an extra day. Heres my top ten most memorable moments of our trip.

10. I made one bet in Vegas at a penny slot machine in the airport on the way out of town and won $12.50

09. It took about 5 minutes on the strip before Ozzy Jr. discovered discarded "flip" cards on the sidewalk.

08. Lance Burton was pretty good.

07. I didn't cry at the wedding.

06. The groom cried enough for all of us.

05. Getting several beers with the groom, best man just prior to the wedding in the hotel bar.

04. Wearing the same tie I wore at my wedding in Vegas

03. I DID cry when Mrs. Ozzy's purse was stolen out of our rental car at the "Welcome To Las Vegas" sign.

02. Ozzy Jr's reaction to a scantily clad young lady dancing in the Luxor Casino.

01. The pride I felt for Ashlee and Kelsey. They were both beautiful.

My Kid Can't be THAT Old

2010-04-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

Today my oldest daughter is 22. I feel kind of old. Maybe I should dye my hair again. But she has it together more than I did at 22. I think. Actually, she was born when I was 22. So, she does have it together better than I. She has a decent job that she actually went to school to learn to do. She enjoys it as much as one can enjoy a job. She's getting married to a good guy in June and they are buying a house with no help from her old man. That is nice. There were many, many times I wondered if she would turn out ok. Many times struggling with homework that I thought, "is this kid ever going to get it?" But I told her that she was going to do great things and that she was special. Now, she is smart, independent, and she has good common sense. I couldn't be more proud of the way she has turned out.

Bedtime

2010-04-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

Putting 11 year old Ozzy Jr to bed:
"So, what is under your pillow?"
"A flashlight and a nerf pistol."
"Give it to me."
"What am I going to do if the house is broken into? How will I protect myself against the bad guys?"

Chicago Followup

2010-04-17T21:47:00.000-07:00

So, that salesman from the brewery equipment company DID send me an email with a quote. Hes misspelled my name. SHITBIRD.

Chicago

2010-04-16T11:22:00.001-07:00

Overall, the trip to Chicago was great. The food, the people and the beer were for the most part amazing. I am now officially starting my second blog about the brewer at http://maydaybrewery.blogspot.com/. So, here at ozzfest, I'll just write the nonbrewery stuff.

Jack, my host in Chicago has begun hosting "house concerts." He invites musicians into his residence to play and then invites friends over to listen to them. While we were there he had two gentleman that played Irish folk music. They could really jam.

I also met Frank who was staying there at Jack's and would be attending the same brewery class that I was. Frank (left in this photo, Jack is on the right) is a fellow beer and heavy metal music lover all the way from San Pablo, Brazil. Frank plans to open a brewpub in the financial district there.

Of course, the last night in Chicago there has to be some beer consumed and some good clean fun. So I climbed on a statue in Lincoln Square to get my photo taken. I didn't get arrested and I learned that Abe was one tall dude.

The New Way to Sell...piss off potential customers

2010-04-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

I'm staying at the same place in Chicago that I did back in November. That is in Lincoln Square off the Brown line. So far, the Siebel class has not disappointed. I was especially impressed with Doug and Tracy Hurst of Metropolitan Brewery. I hope to visit their brewery tomorrow. They are a package brewery doing only lagers.
Wednesday we talked to Matt at his place - Half Acre Brewery. They are kicking total butt, projecting 3,500 barrels of in their fist full year of production.
So, in planning this trip I found an equipment dealer in town and decided to try to meet with them sometime. I emailed Allied Beverage Company, and this guy named Allan S. Dikty replies and says he'd be glad to meet with me. Originally I planned to extend my trip to meet with him, but that didn't work out, so I just called on Monday and he agreed to meet Tues after class. I think, awesome, I can talk concepts, configurations used vs new equipment, quality of different brands, pricing etc. Well, I Allan was a portly fellow with black hair parted on the side that had a habit of pushing his wire framed glasses several times a minute. We sit at the bar at the Goose Island Brewery and order a beer. I briefly (maybe 2 minutes) told him what we wanted to do and what I thought we might need. This cat then commences to lecture me on the fact that I need to be getting face time with managers of bars and asking them if they would be interested in selling my beer. He went on and on about how this wasn't a beer brewing business, it was a beer selling business and that most breweries failed because the management didn't realize this or were under capitalized. He droned ON and ON with this lecture about how he knew every aspect of brewing and what he thought I needed to do to be successful. All of this was presented in what I thought was a most condescending way. He said he would be happy to get me the spec sheets on some equipment, but I shouldn't be wasting my time on that because I needed to be measuring the market by using my "shoe leather" and I had better get ready for a bunch of rejection, and there was no way I was going to be profitable in less than a 15 bbl brew house, blah, blah, blah.
Needless to say, the more this fat bastard talked the hotter I got. The last straw came when he said, "ya, we could sit here and discuss equipment that you would need for step decoction mashing and hopbacks, but that isn't what you need to be thinking about."
I had enough. I was thinking this guy must think I am stupid and broke because I am from Nashville and I have a moustache. I let him know that I never mentioned decoction mashing or hopbacks and I thought they were gimmics. I told him he didn't know me and had no business prejudging me and I didn't appreciate his tone or the way he talked to me. I then proceeded to tell him my qualifications in business, how much money I made, how many houses I owned etc. He back tracked and got nice. I finished my beer and thanked him and left. Still fuming. I'm pretty sure I will not be buying any equipment from Allied Beverage Company. It has been more than 24 hours, I haven't gotten those spec sheets that Allan promised. surprise.

Finally Finished

2010-04-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

After more than a year, going faithfully every month to see Brandon Hanna my backpiece is finished. My half sleeve/chest panel represents protecting my kids. My daughters represented by the sun and moon. My mother's husband always called them "Sunshine" (Ashlee) and "Moonshine" (Kelsey), and my son Wyatt represented by St Basil's Cathedral because we adopted him from Russia. Since Wyatt is more prominently displayed on my chest and the girls would be leaving home soon, Brandon and I came up with the idea of showing the struggles the girls would have as they went out into the "real world." I wanted an army of bad guys, Brandon thought an "evil spider" would be better. We compromised and had the girls fighting the "evil octopus."

We started talking about this tattoo when the girls were 18 and 19. We took photos of them holding swords to get the physiology right on the piece. Then, there was the question that you have to ask them..."How big do you want your boobs to be?" The question HAS to be asked. I called them each individually. I called Ashlee first, her respons, "bigger than Kelsey's." Ooook. I called Kelsey, "Well, what did Ashlee say? I'll say 'big' but not porn star 'big'." Alrighty then. I asked for it.

This year my girls will turn 21 and 22. Ashlee is getting married in June and Kelsey will graduate with a degree in biology next year and hopes to get into PA school. They have a long way to go, but they are doing better against the "evil octopus" than I did at their age.

As for my next tattoo. I have no ideas for the first time in years. I like being tattooed, but I really don't enjoy getting tattoed. I'll wait a few years before I do anything else.

Finding a Renter

2010-03-03T06:47:00.000-08:00

Lois and Jon moved out of my house on Lischey around Feb 18th. Some Whiskerino guys from Birmingham stayed there over that weekend. Then I put the ad on Craigslist. I have shown the house to a bunch of people. I ask people, "do you know anything about East Nashville? It isn't BellMeade. It is amazing how many people have no idea about the neighborhood they are going to comit to live.

Yesterday I had an appt at 4:30 with a couple. They called at 4:15 saying they were at a certain corner and asking how they could get there from where they were. The man handed the phone to his wife to get directions. I started telling her, but I think she was having issues with the terms North, South, East and West, so she handed it back to him. I may as well have just told them to go back home because I knew they were frustrated with each other and with me. I got a call 10 minutes later as I was turning down Lischey, that they had driven around it and didn't want it. They were calling because they "didn't want to waist my time." This just in, you just wasted my time, bozo.

Then there's this other couple that absolutely love the house. "Do you allow pets?" I say "yes, within reason. The house is 960 sq feet." They had 3 dogs. None puppies only one big dog, I think I can live with it. After they have looked at the house, "do you have a problem with cats, I'd like have my cat." Ok, 3 dogs, 1 cat. Then I get the rental app. 2 adults 5 pets. There are actually 2 cats. Good grief.

The Final Whiskerino

2010-02-25T09:46:00.001-08:00

If you haven't participated or followed a Whiskerino, it is difficult to describe. So, I'm not going to try. I'll just say that there is something in the male DNA that bonds him with brothers who are going through the beard growing and showing experience. The weekend of Feb 19, 2010 was the big party at the end of the final said 4 month long beard growing. We laughed, we cried, we sang "That's What Friends Are For" in the Waffle House at 3:30 am, we were family. I still can't figure out how a few grams of hair can bond so many fantastic guys (and girls) together.

To illustrate the power of this little website. I thought I would intoduce you to this fellow. His moniker is "Bald Beard." I will let the caption for this photo and the comments from other participants tell the story.

Fellow bearded,I must bow out of the competition. For those of you who don't know, I am currently living with -- and dying of -- stage IV colon cancer.I have been asked to share my story on how cancer has affected my faith in and my relationship with God. The story will be told via video to over 10,000 people next week and countless more on the web after that. I am humbled and flattered to be given this opportunity. As such, I want to make this a clear and distraction-free exposition of my thoughts; having a giant beard may not be considered distraction-free.Secondly, my lovely wife is yearning to see my lips and cheeks again. The missus' kisses are far more valuable to me than this contest.But please do not think I am abandoning the beard. The beginning of Whiskerino was the first time I had shaved clean in over eight years. I am a bearded man and will keep my beard (albeit slightly more trimmed) for the rest of my life. And please do not think I am abandoning you all. I have not participated as much as I could have, but I have made some new friends and I appreciate that. There has been much support regarding my cancer treatments and I also appreciate that.If you wish to keep up with my story, you may do so at my blog: http://www.hello-righton.com.Thanks again, friends.

Keep up the good work.

robberfly says:
A worthy cause, and not shameful either. My mother died of cancer 6 years ago, so I totally understand where you are coming from. Cancer royally sucks. Stay strong & keep pressing on!
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:15am - ∞
mattyc says:
It has been a pleasure growing with you sir. Sad to see you go. Boo cancer. and I will be checking your blog to see how you are doing.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:16am - ∞
mattyc says:
also i'll be praying for you.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:17am - ∞
SoulGlo1976 says:
God bless you sir.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:19am - ∞
Katie says:
Fair enough; trim that beard up and look nice for all the people! Good luck!
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:20am - ∞
TheStride says:
Not shameful. I will follow your blog and be praying for you.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:26am - ∞
Fledgling Brewer says:
Thanks for the link. Capitalize on that opportunity! You have the power of hundreds of beards behind you, for what that's worth.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:27am - ∞
jeremiahx says:
For this I can not shame you. You are a great man and an inspiring story. Go change lives.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:33am - ∞
brandon says:
You are a hero. We love you and you and your family will be in my prayers.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:34am - ∞
EdwardTeach says:
The Lord Bless you an keep you, The lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord lift up the light of his countenance upon youAnd give you peace, and give you peace. So sorry, but so glad you could be a part of this.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:36am - ∞
K-Chance says:
A note worthy beard, and an eternal man.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:38am - ∞
keifel says:
thank you for sharing part of your journey with us.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:39am - ∞
hale. says:
thank you for being here, and thank you for sharing your story. best wishes to you and your family.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:47am - ∞
The Art of The Beard says:
May God comfort and hold you and your family, and give you peace that surpasses understanding.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:50am - ∞
michaeljstraub says:
Glad you were a part of this! Hope the filming goes well and I wish you the best
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:54am - ∞
Patchy Stache says:
Good luck, man. I can't imagine what you're going through, but you must be incredibly brave to deal with it as you are. And trimming/shaving or not...your beard is AMAZING.Safe travels in the future. *hugs*
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:56am - ∞
McDooDoo says:
Boo cancer, indeed. No shame here.Be well and be blessed.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:57am - ∞
mims attack says:
your photo from a couple days ago was unreal. mega beard. sad to see it go.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:58am - ∞
Robfrenzy says:
take care, we will miss you
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:11am - ∞
jonshell says:
i think @hale said it best. you will be missed.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:27am - ∞
GrapeS says:
mighty sad shame, hope all goes well.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:28am - ∞
Yogi Beard says:
You are the man. Plain and simple.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:35am - ∞
falfa says:
good luck. take care.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:40am - ∞
Sir Walshington says:
Give a great talk. It has been a pleasure whiskerino-ing with you. Big big big love.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:43am - ∞
jeremyokai says:
Good luck man. My mom passed from this in 2001. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:43am - ∞
mackle says:
Obviously, we all wish you the best of luck. Hopefully Whiskerino has provided a worthwhile distraction for you and maybe a bit of additional happiness you may not have otherwise had. Your beard is MASSIVE, so we'll all miss it but making your wife happy and being able to tell your story comfortably and properly is far more important. This may result in "shame" but that's only because there isn't another word for it within the context of the site... it's really just a goodbye.Good luck and godspeed. We all wish you nothing but the absolute best.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:44am - ∞
pcain says:
thank you for sharing. I we follow your blog like we followed your beard. its been a pleasure. Ill be praying for you.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:47am - ∞
mattmarch says:
That is one fine beard. My heart goes out to you also brother. I'll be praying for you and your fam, and am bookmarking your site. Godspeed.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:51am - ∞
Grown Unknown says:
I continue to be amazed and thankful for how Whiskerino opens up a crack across the human experience and lets us learn about life through people we'd otherwise never meet.Thanks for sharing in Whiskerino, and I wish the best for you and your family.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:52am - ∞
Fofe says:
It's been a pleasure growing with you. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Your beards was a great contribution to the site. Adios.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:54am - ∞
mynameisjason says:
you remain absoutely shameless (in a good way) in my book. i can't imagine being in your shoes, but thanks to your blog, i'm gonna try and walk along side of them for awhile. God bless you and all those you meet. Much love and prayer- -Jason
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:58am - ∞
Paragone says:
So sorry to hear you must go but under the circumstances it is definitely not shame. I have been following your story and I only wish you the best in the future. We are all praying for you.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 9:13am - ∞
Chuck Damage says:
I know it's really in poor taste, but I'm oh so tempted to say 'SHAME HIM!' or something like that.But that would be in very poor taste. Seriously, I wish you the best of luck and I am sorry to see you go.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 9:41am - ∞
Chuck Damage says:
Also, Kingfave for realz.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 9:42am - ∞
James A. Polk says:
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you are still sharing the Good News!
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 9:44am - ∞
orangebeard says:
I could say many things but nothing I say is as important that you love Jesus and know Him personally. I look forward to meeting you one day, whether on earth or in Heaven! I will continue to pray for you and your family during this trial. Thank God for Jesus!
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 10:30am - ∞
aaron b says:
Dear @Baldbeard,I am happy to have had the opportunity to grow a beard with you via the internet for the past 111 days. I was aware that you have cancer, but I was not aware of the specifics. I am very sorry to hear this. However, it seems like you have your priorities; family, faith, etc... You have been an absolutely awesome beard and we're going to miss you. There is absolutely no shame in what you're doing. I will be sure to follow your story. Godspeed.Sincerely,@aaronb
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 10:44am - ∞
J-Ho says:
Sorry to see youbow out so close to the end but it's more than understandable. Your beard is highly enviable. Good luck, sir.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 10:48am - ∞
keeper of the fort says:
God's peace be with you. Praying with you.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 11:52am - ∞
Smurf says:
Was a pleasure to go a bread with you good sir, no shame here, and to quote from Pink Floyd "Shine on you crazy Diamond".
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 11:57am - ∞
themightyjones says:
Ever since I learned about what was going on with you, you've been nearly ever present in my thoughts. I truly pray God's blessings and peace over you and your sweet family. God bless you, and I'm looking forward to when ever we may meet.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 12:50pm - ∞
wondermade says:
I'm glad you participated, and I hope your recording session goes well. I look forward to seeing the video, and to keeping up with your living.(Been / will be praying for you and your family.)
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 12:58pm - ∞
Pip says:
It's been an honor to grow with you these months. I look forward to seeing the video; I know what you say will be a privilege to hear.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 1:11pm - ∞
Dave says:
Its been an honor to grow and show with you. May you and your family be blessed with peace and understanding beyond what we can think humanly. No shame at all brother! May the road rise up to meet you.May the wind always be at your back.May the sun shine warm upon your face,and rains fall soft upon your fields.And until we meet again,May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 1:21pm - ∞
ThatGuy says:
It's been awesome growing with you. I wish you the absolute best in your video. Good luck.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 1:53pm - ∞
johnny says:
no shame whatsoever! be well.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 1:57pm - ∞
KimJongIllness says:
Sounds to me like you've got your priorities in the absolutely right place.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 2:48pm - ∞
dizzywizard says:
blessings from here to there.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 3:13pm - ∞
Poe says:
@BaldBeard crap - I had no idea. I'm sorry for what your going through. In 2007 my wife was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. We spent a year in New York while she was in treatment. I tried to stay involved with the Whiskerino but as I'm sure you know it was hard. In May she will be 2 years cancer free. I'm thankful for everyday.There isn't much I can say in a comment but know I will be praying for you.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 3:41pm - ∞
blankenship says:
I'm glad I get to see you across the desk on a near daily basis, gigantor beard or not.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 7:43pm - ∞
Douggal says:
I know all is in divine order, and you have and will continue to do great things that will help so many. I behold the Christ spirit in you, and wish you and your family the absolute best.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 8:10pm - ∞
Jar says:
I will be praying for you buddy, thanks for the last 4 months.
Posted: Feb 19th, 2010 - 11:52pm - ∞
shularbrau says:
No shame. Just king. Thank you for being a part of this.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 12:04am - ∞
ben says:
incredible.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 12:05am - ∞
stanislaw says:
wow that's incredible. best of luck and i will definitely have you in my thoughts. good luck!!
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 12:13am - ∞
R E N A U D says:
I am moved by your story and your perspective is amazing. I will definitely be praying for you and hoping for a miracle (big or small).If there is anything Team Renaud can do for you, please let me know.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 12:24am - ∞
mercantilever says:
Shame? No. Just the opposite: honor.Courage, friend.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 12:40am - ∞
nate says:
God bless you friend. No shame.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 12:59am - ∞
Ned Kelly says:
Good Luck sir, Ill be thinking of you and your family.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 2:16am - ∞
Ula O cealleigh says:
Aww man best of luck & thankyou for sharing with us. I hope you continue to enjoy your beard. Its was great to have you part of whiskerino for the time you were here!!Our thoughts & wishes are with you. :)
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 4:12am - ∞
gfmorris says:
Hail to the King. Thank you for sharing this struggle. God bless you and your family.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 5:43am - ∞
Tolleson says:
There is no shame. Never shame.You are more man than any beard, even yours, could ever hold. To King you is an understatement, for you surely have risen beyond what mere men could hope.My prayers for you and your family are inevitable as they are constant.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 6:29am - ∞
mu says:
You have been a light and an inspiration here. My family's prayers and with you and your family.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 6:39am - ∞
mu says:
sorry, "are" with you and your family.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 6:39am - ∞
Moo says:
God Bless you and your family! Roo and I will keep you in our prayers.....NO SHAME!
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 7:02am - ∞
chadmcclarnon says:
BOO CANCER! It's amazing that you've stayed as involved as you have during all of your treatments...stay strong man, we're all behind you
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 7:19am - ∞
GrapeS says:
i wonder if this could possibly be the first king/shame? i king'd it yesterday when i saw it but never imagined it would happen, congratulations and much luck
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 7:27am - ∞
Ace says:
I pray that your story will touch the masses sir. thank you for being a light.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 7:38am - ∞
Shotgun Willie says:
definitely a rightful king, sir. may God bless you and your family.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 8:10am - ∞
Furricane says:
honored and touched. Can't wait to see the video
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 8:22am - ∞
Ozzy Nelson says:
I am sorry I didn't get to king this photo yesterday because I was so busy trying to get everybody where they needed to be for the TD. It is your first photo that have not kinged in probably 2 months which is pretty ironic I guess.I love you man.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 8:27am - ∞
Philly says:
A well deserved king. My prayers are with you and your family.I look forward to seeing your message.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 8:40am - ∞
Pastor D Fizz says:
you're an inspiration to us all, we'll be praying for you. Congrats on the King Beard!
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 9:09am - ∞
NoahRienks says:
Kongrants on The King! You story is moving, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 9:27am - ∞
jmathiasxiii says:
you are a hero.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 10:59am - ∞
dizzywizard says:
glad you are King:)
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 3:53pm - ∞
irishsquire says:
you are an inspiration,sir. and best of luck. prayers for you and your loved ones.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 4:01pm - ∞
Crambell says:
Proud to grow with you.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 4:06pm - ∞
Marko says:
Your story is worth much more. As with others our prayers are with you. Blessings and best wishes.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 4:07pm - ∞
pcain says:
Congrats on KING! BOO cancer! Yay whiskerino!
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 4:35pm - ∞
darksideblugrss says:
no Shame and glad this got kinged. now spread the word and do great things!
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 4:36pm - ∞
Snuffleupagus says:
Good luck. I look forward to meeting you in a couple of weeks. If you get a chance email me at zachary(at)compasspointlakeland(dot)com so we can meet up at Unleash.
Posted: Feb 20th, 2010 - 6:42pm - ∞
revgoomba says:
I'm so glad Whiskerino has introduced me to you. You are an inspiration and I shall share your story withall my friends.Aw ra best big chap!
Posted: Feb 21st, 2010 - 4:29pm - ∞
Davis says:
my mom passed from colon cancer a little under a year and a half ago, so seeing this hit me pretty hard and reminded me that this is way more than (as i've casually explained to people who asked about whiskerino) "an excuse for dudes to grow beards, hang out, and drink beers." i wish you the best, and we'll all be thinking about you.
Posted: Feb 22nd, 2010 - 5:49am - ∞
SpiceJ says:
I never got the chance to really talk to you. I was mostly ashamed of my lack of beard growth and very intimidated by yours and as well as the other massive beardos here. I read this and started to tear up. It's frightening/saddening/inspiring all at the same time, your story. I wish you nothing but the best on your journey. As I've said, I do not know you too well, but you seem like someone who is worth knowing and has enjoyed his life. Take care and live life to the fullest!
Posted: Feb 24th, 2010 - 9:31am - ∞
O-Train says:
Much deserved king. Thanks for sharing this with all of us. Your outlook and strength are inspiring. You'll be in our thoughts.
Posted: Feb 24th, 2010 - 8:20pm - ∞

That Was My Skull

2010-02-04T20:50:00.001-08:00

Before going to work last week, I wanted to do a few chinups on my new over the door frame chinup bar. Well I stupidly grabbed the verticle support bar instead of the horizontal bar and began to pull up. The top bar across the top of the doorframe slipped off and busted me in the face. As I fell, I hit my back on the dog gate going across the door and busted the back of my head on the floor. When I figured out that the blood was coming from my forhead, I put compression on it and finally got it slowed down.

My x-ray tech daughter Ashlee checked me out and said I need to go to the ER. I didn't believe her. Then I blew my nose. Because there was a new crack between my sinuses and my eye socket, blowing my nose forced air into the eye socket and it blew up. That was uncomfortable and kind of scary, so I ended up going to the ER and got a couple stitches and a CT scan.

I can't help but think that cat is getting me back.

Moral Dilemmas

2010-02-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in forever because I am busy with Whiskerino. I will blog about the Whiskerino experience the first week of March when it is over. Right now, I feel compelled to get some things off my chest.

A couple of weeks ago Mrs Ozzy went to Colorado for vacation. The plan was for me to meet her out there later in the week. Of course, the original plan was for us to go together, but I forgot that I had to be at work that week for training, so I stayed behind. The original plan was also that my parents-in-law were going to come stay at the house with the boy while we were gone. They are in their mid-seventies, but they are in very good health.

So, Mrs Ozzy leaves on Monday, on Tues morning the two big dogs (husky and akita) disappear. This thing happens all the time and they always come back so I'm not worried. We go to bed Tues night knowing that we would wake up in the morning and the dogs would be back in the garage, wore out.

02:00 Wednesday morning I am awakened by what I would describe as a constant yipping. It was annoying as hell and I knew it had to be my dogs so I got up. It was 40 F and raining. As soon as i stepped into the living room I smelled skunk. I turned the flood lights on and saw the dogs circling an animal they had captured. I went outside where the stench was horrific and watched the pawing this creature and yipping, but it wasn't a skunk as I suspected. It was a cat. Crapola. I could tell the thing was injured, but I couldn't tell the extent of it. I got the dogs into the garage and got a flashlight so i could inspect the victim further.

It was still alive, but not doing too good. It's hind quarters were motionless. I stood in the rain wondering what I should do. I am not a cat lover, but if I owned a cat I wouldn't take it to the vet at 2:00 am, so I'm sure not going to take this one. Anyway, I couldn't leave Jr at home by himself in the middle of the night.

As I stood in the cold darkness, rain hitting the hood of my jacket, I felt as if the world were swirling around me and I was alone. I wanted to do the right thing, but I could see a 4-figure vet bill and an angry neighbor. So, I got my shovel and decided I would examine it yet again. I poked it with the shovel. It definitely showed that it was ready to fight, but still didn't move its rear legs. Since it was so full of fight, I thought I would give it a chance to pull through rather than "put it out of its misery."
I went inside and went to bed, tossing and turning, dreaming of it dragging itself to my neighbors door, only to whisper in its last dying breath that it was the Nelson dogs who did this horrible thing.
I awoke early. Still dark and raining I could see the lifeless body at the edge of the yard. The charges were no longer assault, but murder. Episodes of CSI, Criminal Minds, Law & Order, Quincy, Dr. G, Colombo, all ran through my head. I dug a hole. As I carried the body to its grave a heard its tags jingle. To this point I didn't know who this innocent victim belonged to. I had to make a decision. Do I look at the tags to positively ID this John/Jane DoeCat or do I not? I chose not. I said a short prayer and buried my furry friend, knowing that I was now an accessory.

And now, as in Edgar Allen Poe's "Tell Tale Heart" the jingling of those tags grow louder and louder in my ears.

2009 and 2010

2009-12-29T11:00:00.000-08:00

There was some crappy stuff that happened in 2009, but I thought I'd just jot down the highlights of my personal year.

My dad came to visit a couple of times and that is always fun.

I coached my last baseball season for Ozzy Jr. It wasn't our best season ever, but it was one with a bunch of great kids and parents.

My oldest daughter Ashlee got a very good job doing what she was trained to do, and she is happy.

My other daughter Kelsey continues to do well in school and she has a new boyfriend that we like.

I went to brew school.

I won the random drawing at the brewing science festival here in town.

I've had good renters in both my houses all year and very few maintenance calls.

I thought I would have finished my back tattoo, but no.

We got our best dog ever. And our most destructive.

So, 2010 is barely 4 days old and I have already totally screwed up hugely not once but twice. First, I tried to run some moist grain through my grain mill and tore up the main roller. I heard a lot of breweries were doing this to get a better yeild from more than one source. I guess I didn't execute properly. Second, I just realized this morning that we scheduled a vacation to Colorado this month, but we scheduled it on a week where there is no way on this planet I can take off work. Mayday!

D.A.R.E.

2009-11-25T20:46:00.000-08:00

Ozzy Jr went to a lock-in at the local bowling alley for D.A.R.E. last night. A good friend's parent whose child was also spending the night took the his son and mine; my job was to pick them up at 06:00 the next morning.
No big deal, I thought. Get up at six, run to the bowling alley, pick them up, drop Jarrod off at his house, and I'm actually early for work for a change.
Wakened from a dead sleep by the phone ringing. It is dark. Ozzy Jr. is on the line. "Dad, when are you coming to get me?" Immediately, I'm thinking I have overslept. I get up, throw a pair of jeans on and a Black Sabbath tshirt and get in Mrs. Ozzy's car and start driving to pick him up. The clock in the car says 5:04. "Is that right?" I thought. Maybe I'm not late.
I get to the bowling alley and all of the kids playing inside affirm my thought that the clock in the car is correct.
"I need to pick up Martin and Nelson" I said to a woman and man cop at the desk. Mind you, I got out of bed 10 minutes before, I have an unkempt 25 day old beard, blue glasses and tattooes hanging out everywhere.
"Ok, do you have your id?", she replied. I'm pretty sure I'm being profiled at this point.
Meanwhile a kid that I coached baseball comes up and starts a conversation about next season with me.
"No, I got a call from my son and through on my clothes and didn't pick it up" was my reply to the young police lady.
"Can I see your id?" the male police echoed.
"No, I don't have it."
"Do you have your id?" he asked again.
"No, I still don't have it." I wanted to use a phrase from my old man, "boy, have you got a cricket in your ear, I said I don't have it." But I refrained.
"Then you can't pick anyone up."
"This kid that I'm not picking up can tell you who I am. The kids I'm picking up are 12 years old, they can tell you who I am. My name is on the list."
"Can't pick them up without an id."
This is what I'm thinking. You know, if I wanted to steal a kid, I am smart enough not to steal a smart mouthed 12 year old, and do you really think with 4 cop cars out front and an untold # of cops in here I'm going to kidnap a kid at FIVE FREAKING OCLOCK IN THE MORNING. My balls are big, but they aint that big.
Ok, I go home. Grab my id. Drive back the the bowling alley and get there at 5:30.
I approach the same male and female cops, "here's my id."
Over a microphone, "xxxxx Martin and Carter Nelson"
"Carter Nelson? I don't want Carter Nelson. My son is Wyatt. You said you checked my name on that sheet. There is no way my name is on a sheet for Carter Nelson. So, just because I had my id you were going to give me the wrong kid, but when I didn't have my id you wouldn't give me the right kid?"
Jr. saw me standing there joined me.
I'm not feeling good about the safety in our town.
I'm pretty sure they aren't feeling so good about me either.

Beer School 2

2009-11-18T18:38:00.000-08:00

I learned so much at The Siebel Concise Brewing course. The instructors were great, as was the content and my classmates. I want to highlight some of the people that impacted me most.

Larry and Rich from the bar at the Rockwell train stop. From the first 5 minutes in “their” bar, they new my name, made me feel welcome and became my friends.

Lucie: A biochemist, Lucie had never brewed beer. She works for the parent company of Siebel analyzing yeast. She fit right in and did great in the class. Of course, she didn’t have a choice because her bosses would be looking at her grades.

Nate (above) and Wiz (lower pic, far right): Nate sat by me for our two weeks and impressed me with his knowledge of beer and other stuff. Wiz is just a fun, very cool kid that loves Chicago.

Chuey: The only black dude in the class, he sat front and center. Chuey has his own business making hats for bikers, and divided his time in Chicago by running Chuey Brand and learning about beer. I was very impressed.

Harry (beside me): Had not one, but two horrific accidents in a brewery and continued to work there with a great attitude and had a ton of knowlege about brewing.

Then there was Lyn Kruger: Siebel President. This lady knows more about the chemistry and biology beer and beer flavor and components that I will know in a couple of lifetimes. She has taught all of the tasting classes as well as the anatomy, behavior and the proper handling of yeast. She has an MS in Fermentation Microbiology. Yikes. Lyn speaks with what I would call a British accent and has a style of teaching that makes the students pay attention. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from Lyn:

"Yes, I am flocculent, I have a protien bit sticking out"
"If I am up here and Lucie is back there, what are the chances of us getting together and flocculating?"
"All yeast wants to do is to get its nads back"
"I give it enough to stuff its face full of sterol "
Question from student: "What if you find that you have significant amounts of the precursor of diasitol after initial fermentation" Her answer, "Its a bitch."

My entire time at brewer school could not have been better. From Cady and Lupe who worked behind the scenes at the class to make everything smooth, to Jack Price whose "homestay" I found on Craigslist, and was a perfect place to study and sleep. It was worth every penny, and every minute of my time.

Beer School

2009-11-06T04:45:00.000-08:00

I arrived in Chicago on Sunday evening and found the place that was to be my home fairly easily. The guy I'm renting from, Jack, I found on Craigslist gave me good directions and was not an axe murderer. That was good. My room is small but it has a desk and is pretty private. Eduardo is next door, he is from Brazil and is here studying to be a facial plastic surgeon. He is super nice and a really good guy. Jack has 2 cats and 2 rabbits. They keep to themselves pretty well.

First day going to class I got seriously lost and walked literally 2 miles futher than I should have and was about 10 minutes late for class. Everyone in class is cool.

The school always has 2 beers on tap and a fridge full of beer. It has been easy getting used to pouring myself a beer or two at lunch. Also, after school the bar is open for an hour, so that is pretty awesome too.

I am having trouble coming up with creative pics for whiskerino with all the school work. The photo above I was going to post on whiskerino, but when I uploaded it to my PC, I saw it was kind of obscene, so I decided not to.

Family Time

2009-10-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

My dad (Bob) came to visit this weekend from Daytona. When me and my old man spend time together, we don't hunt, fish, play golf or watch sports. We do construction projects. It doesn't matter if I am visting his house or he is visiting mine, the host always have a big project ready for the guest.

Bob has been an electrician all his life and has worked at some pretty big jobs like at the Kennedy Space Center, building a nuclear power plant just to name a couple. When we work together, no matter how old I get, I am always seen by the old man as the lowly apprentice. That is fine with me, that is what makes things fun. As the lowly apprentice, I am treated with all of the insults and demoralizing comments that a young apprentice would.

When I was very young I remember someone asking my father's father why he cussed around the kids. His reply, "if you don't cuss around your kids, they'll end up cussing worse than you." Even as an elementary schooler, I thought, "Granpa, I don't see how anybody could cuss worse than you." Bob has pretty much kept with the same thinking as Bob Sr. in this particular instance, so it is an educational experience for the whole family.

The project this weekend was to put in new recessed lighting in our kitchen, wire new track lights, move the electrical from a wall that Mrs. Ozzy wants removed, install a couple new plugs, move a couple of ceiling fans, and move the overhead dining room light. It is important to mention that dad is having problems with his heart and is going to have a defibulator/pacemaker combo installed in a couple of weeks.

Here is a list of the top 10 construction quotes with my old man:
10: Bob: "You cut that wire too short, dick lick."
Me: "How many of your apprentices have you made cry?"
Bob: "Most of 'em. Some are just criers."
9: Me: "Ok, here's what I'm thinking - "
Bob: "Johnny, you tell me what you are thinking and I’ll tell you why you are wrong. (my dad calls all apprentices "Johnny" even if they are female, unless the female has large breasts, then they are "Judy" which is short for "Judy Juggernauts")
8: Me: "pull that wire back a hair."
Bob: "a public hair?" (yes, i spelled it as he said it)
7: Bob: "Don't argue with me boy, or I'll revoke your license."
6: Bob looking at a box I cut in for a plug about 5 years ago, "What kind of non union sh1t job is this?"
5: Bob: "I'm glad I'm not on a heart monitor right now."
4: Bob farts then says, "mmm nerves got the best of me."
3: Bob: "I'm going to sit here in the foreman's chair and pet the 'crotch cannibal' (a nickname he has for the large dog Icee) while I watch Johnny put this box together.
2: Ozzy Jr. after Bob has gone back to Florida while watching me work with a ceiling fan, "I'm going to call grampa and tell him to come back here 'cause Johnny can't seem to get it right.
And #1 comes after each part of the project is successfully completed: "Another job, well done by union craft."

My Badge II

2009-10-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

I've written about my badge before. I don't take proper care of it. Wednesday evening after a long and productive day at the office, my badge happened to fall out of my car. Then my dog ate part of it. It took a day or so to find it in the yard amoungst all the other once cool stuff that he has torn up, but I think it is safe to say that it no longer functions properly. I have been spraying that bitter stuff to keep dogs from chewing on things on everything that I own, but I failed to spray the old corporate badge. In spite of spraying everything with the bitter crap, and buying him $50 worth of chew toys, the list of what he has destroyed continues to grow.

1 badge

3 exterior door knobs

1 awesome moustache magnet my daughter bought for me
1 grain bag for steeping
Many shoes
Many plastic recyclable items
2 pool cues
1 exterior door frame
1 big shrub in the landscaping
8 feet of 4" drainage pipe
Flowers
2 slats on the front porch
2 dog beds
A 2 gallon bucket
2 catcher's mits
2 bike helmets
1 catcher's helmet
Multiple carpenter's pencils

...I'm too broke and depressed to list any more.

I'm Pretty Sure Its Jesus

2009-10-17T15:18:00.000-07:00

We had company today, and they smoke, so we spent some time in the garage. Page says, "there is a face in your dog door." I say, "I'm pretty sure it's Jesus." What do you think? CLICK on the picture to enlarge.

The Real Answers

2009-10-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

There are several questions that many people ask me almost daily, and I'd like to answer them here and now so that we can intelligently discuss beer, tattoos, women, giving back to the community, or something that interests you. Warning: These are the smart ass answers, but truthful nonetheless.

1) Do you see everything blue through those glasses?
No, they are prescription and without them everything is blurry.

2) How much did that tattoo cost?
A lot less than your Lexus and it will last longer.

3) How can you give blood when you were just tattooed?
If you weren't tattooed in prison, under a bridge, or on a bar stool (you know who you are) you can give blood if you were just tattooed.

4) How much do you get paid for your platelets?
The Red Cross doesn't pay for any blood product. I give because there are very sick people that need something that I can give them.

5) Is that moustache for some kind of contest?
No, I just enjoy spending time twisting it. You should grow one yourself. If you are physically unable, I may let you twist mine.

6) How does your wife like the beard?
She hates it. She hates the moustache as well. Thanks for asking.

7) What kind of beer do you make?
Beer that chicks will enjoy drinking.

8) You work in audit, does that mean you a numbers guy?
I like the numbers on my pay check. If they were higher, I would like them more.

Free Tanqueray Still Having Effects

2009-10-03T06:56:00.000-07:00

On 8/24/2009 I wrote a blog called "Free Tanqueray" about a wedding I attended that my wife planned. If you haven't read that blog, this won't make much sense.

Mrs Ozzy and I enter our favorite Mexican restaraunt (The Margarita House on Lowery) yesterday for an early dinner. There were some folks at one of the tables that were in their mid to late sixties that I didn't recognize. As soon as I am in their view they begin welcoming me like I was a long lost friend. "Hey, great to see you, what happened to that moustache? We loved that moustache." As I walk towards their table I'm thinking, "I LOVE these people, but who the hell are they?" Mrs Ozzy bailed me out by introducing them as the parents and aunt of the bride at the wedding. Got it. I remember now.
So, they start talking, "We got the film in the cameras developed that were at the tables for the reception. We ended up putting them in two photo albums. If you are looking at an album, everytime you turn the page there is another crazy picture of you in those glasses with that moustache."
Then they gave us each a frozen margarita out of their pitcher.
It's good to be loved.

Worst Commercial Lately

2009-10-01T08:40:00.000-07:00

Some TV commercials just get under my skin. I know, "DVR it and you can fast forward through them", but I am not that committed to what I choose to watch. So, I just have to bitch about it. The one that is really bugging me now is the TMobile My Touch commercial. You know, the one with the little catchy song with Whoopi Goldberg, Phil Jackson and Jesse James passing around the phone with the cute photos on it? I have seen that commercial at least 50 times, and I had to look up what product the damn thing was pushing prior to writing this. So, if I can't remember the product, how effective is the marketing?
And just who are these marketing people trying to relate to? "if you want to be you, be you, and if you want to be me, be me..." I don't have a desire to even have lunch with these people. I have nothing in common with them and I dare say most other people in the market for a cell phone don't relate to them either. A has-been comedian, an old, no personality basketball coach and a sell-out bike builder? Give me a break.
It would be irresponsible to criticize and not offer alternatives, so, TMobile, if you are listening, here's something that would interest this everyday kid and his friends with money enough to buy your stupid phone.

1. Mariah Carey singing "Touch my Body" while doing anything with the phone. Surely she would be cheaper than the combination of those other three morons, and she is scorching hot.

2. Keep the same cast, and instead of Cat Stevens, play The Divinyl's "I Touch Myself." That would be funny.

3. Not a great idea, but better than yours, how about MC Hammer presenting the phone to his "Can't Touch This." He needs the money.

So, I won't be buying a TMobile phone because your commercial sucks. But hey, maybe TMobile has it right, and as Hall & Oats said, I'm just "Out of Touch."

Bed Time Prayers II

2009-09-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

Ozzy Jr. likes this girl in his class. His idea of courting her is to send people to her to ask if he likes her or to write down his phone # and address on a piece of paper and give it to her. So, in the car last night we are trying to give him suggestions on how to act.
Talk to her about her softball team, what position she plays, etc.
Ask her if she is on facebook.
Ask her to check out your blog.
See if she likes football, maybe you can talk about your fantasy team.
None of these are good ideas because Mrs Ozzy has never been a girl, and I have never tried to get a girl to like me.
Fast forward to prayer time.
Ozzy : "Dear Jesus and God"
Mrs Ozzy: "Please be with Ashlee, Kelsey and Granpa."
Ozzy Jr: "and please help me and Sarah to have a love connection.
Love, sincerely the Nelsons. Amen"

Parenting IV

2009-09-19T05:21:00.000-07:00

Both of my daughters have been fired from jobs this year. One had gotten awards for her service, the other had just gotten a glowing review. Ashlee got fired just last week after being on their insurance fo 2 bloody weeks. It must be easier to get fired now than back when I started working. Maybe I'm biased, but I believe both of my girls are pretty easy to get along with, and are good workers. I remember my first job was at McDonald's. I was 18, and I had been there about 6 months and my job was to get there at 5:30 in the morning and clean the restrooms and scrub the floors. A coworker had a party one Friday night, I attended, drank a bunch of beer and went strait to work from his apartment. I was feeling really bad when I had to begin cleaning the bathrooms. I got started, but decided I would sit on a commode in the women's room and rest my eyes for just a minute. Thirty minutes later the maintenance man came in and woke me up. Then the SOB narked on me. I finished my duties as best I could then was sent home by management. All for passing out in the women's room and dry heaving over the kitchen sink?!? I was given a talking to my next day of work and told the incident would be on my "permanent" record. I didn't get fired. I've done other things almost equally as stupid and was able to sneak by, still employed.
I know my daughters didn't do anything close to passing out on a toilet. Maybe they are paying for the sins of their father.

Continuing Education: Top 5 Moments

2009-09-15T06:49:00.000-07:00

Every year after Labor Day our department of 140 people goes to a TN state park for a week of training (September Seminar). Many people stay at the lodge, but many stay in cabins for a less private week. Dept training planners bring executives from the company and outside speakers in to speak, we have team building events, play golf, and there are parties. This year the big Thursday night event was a progressive party between cabins. Each cabin was decorated in a theme and the occupants of that cabin served food and drink related to the theme of the cabin.

Here are my top 5 September Seminar Moments of 2009

#5: A member of the "Fireman" cabin gets frustrated because the carbon monoxide alarm continues to go off in his crowded cabin and did his best Joe Montana throwing it out the back door and into the forest.

#4: A VP visiting the "Fiesta" cabin, after being spun around and blindfolded for the pinata busting, grabs the breast of a female staff person instead of the pinata stick.

#3: Friday morning speaker is talking about getting people's attention with humor when my front row table calapses spilling glass plates of scrambled eggs and biscuts at the speaker's feet.

#2: My five person golf scramble (3 guys, 2 ladies) had the most fun. Nine holes, 35 beers.

#1: Full frontal hugs from the ladies at the "Disco" cabin.

...

To read other perspectives of September Seminar, check out the Wandering Raccoon or Too Much Country.

...

Popularity

2009-09-09T05:27:00.000-07:00

Bangchi may be the smartest person I know. Her office is next to mine, we've worked together for 10 years. She is from a small village in China, and has been through some experiences that few share. She has an advanced degree in biochemestry and information systems. She builds applications from scratch in a fraction it would take the time for most other developers. We have been told we fight like an old married couple, but I think its more like brother and sister.
I knew Bangchi had a blog, but we really never talked much about it until a few weeks ago. She asked how many hits I had gotten since I started it. I told her Blogspot doesn't keep up with it so I don't know, probably about 38. So, she tells me her blog has been hit more than 233,000 times. My sibling rivalry juices began all of the sudden flowing. I accuse her of writing an app to hit her own blog to get the counts up (I don't really believe it, but I have to come up with something). She is loving getting the best of me because I just can't believe that many people would want to go look at her last trip to New York or her class reunion in China. After several minutes of me asking stupid questions about how she gets that many users and her laughing histarically AT me, I have to change my tac.
"PLEASE put a link to my blog on yours", I began grovelling. It wasn't pretty. She had bragging rights and I had none. I don't write this thing for attention (that is a lie). Ok, I do. Anyway, Bangchi not only put a link to my blog on hers, but she has written two of her blogs about me.

Enjoy. http://blog.creaders.net/huaihuaijia/user_blog_diary.php?did=46192

I'm Surprised You're Surprised.

2009-09-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

I have never ranted on this blog before. This will be my first and possibly my last. So, if you don't want to read me ranting, or if you are offended by the word "vagina" you'd better stop now.
Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 19th child and she is "surprised." As I recall, last year when she went on the Today Show and announced she was having #18, they were "surprised" as well. What the hell are they surprised about?? It's like being surprised that the Eagles are doing a reunion tour. I just don't get it.
Mrs Ozzy asked me this morning why this bothers me so, when they are supporting themselves. That is a great question. This is a free country and those weirdo's from Arkansas can have as many kids as they want, and there shouldn't be a law preventing that (unless they are on gov't run healthcare, which is another story). But I certainly wouldn't blame their health insurance carrier for raising their rates. That's what happens after you wreck your car, and I contend that is why they have a reality show. Because people can't help but look at a car wreck.
Check this out, below is a listing of kids and their bdays.
1 1988
2 & 3 1990
4 1991
5 1992
6 1993
7 1995
8 1996
9 1997
10 & 11 1998
12 2000
13 2001
14 2002
15 2004
16 2005
17 2007
18 2008
19 on the freaking way 2010

This woman gets pregnant every time her husband fakes an orgasm. Stand up comics could write an entire act making jokes about her vagina.
Here's my bitch, if you want a ton of kids, fine have a few of your own, then take some poor child out of a bad situation and make it better for them. There are thousands of kids in foster care in this country that need loving families (like the Duggars profess they are). There are many interractial babies in this country that could be adopted. If you are too white to love a brown child, Russia and the Ukrain have hundreds of thousands of orphans that can be adopted. According to iorphan.org, only 1 in 10 of these kids turn out to be productive members of society. But, no, its more important for the Duggars to show the world they still have intercourse than to bring one of these truely needy kids into their family and love them.
I have three kids, two biological, one adopted. I love the one that wasn't made from my sperm just as much as the two that were.

Free Tanqueray

2009-08-24T18:14:00.000-07:00

Mrs Ozzy and her best friend were planning their first wedding. The lady that does their hair was getting married, and they were in charge of making things run smoothly, getting the photographer, dj, etc. They were doing this out of the goodness of their hearts and they thought it would be "fun." I'm not sure how planning a wedding would be fun, but to each their own. I wasn't thrilled about attending the wedding since I wouldn't know anyone, but I was going to support my bride. Well, the wedding went well, and the reception was a cash bar, and some pretty good heavy hor'dourves. Well, Mrs Ozzy's payment was free drinks at the reception. She told me they were serving Tanqueray just for me.
Well, I couldn't let them down, so I had a couple drinks. Danced a couple of dances, drank a couple more drinks. Then it occured to me that each of the 12 tables at the reception had a disposable camera. Put there for the guests to capture their experience at the reception. So, I went to every table, took a picture of myself with their camera and encouraged them to use up the film. Throughout the night as people left and tables were empty, I took the camera from the table and used the remaining film. Then, get another drink.
We stayed till the very end and did a little cleanup, and Mrs Ozzy drove us home.
I woke Sunday morning with a headache, and a fear that I had embarrassed myself, or worse, embarrassed the wedding planner. I didn't get an earful when I got up, so I must have behaved pretty well. I hope that is still the case when the film is developed.

Like, why?

2009-08-20T20:09:00.000-07:00

I have a few pet peeves. One is the improper use of the word "like." I can handle an occasional "like", but it drives me insane when a person can't convey a thought without a blue streak of "likes." So, I very seldom watch "LA Ink", but a friend of mine is going to appear on the show soon, so I tuned in tonight. I was 5 minutes into tonights episode, when I had to rewind it to the beginning in order to accurately count the "like's." A 60 minute show (which is actually about 44 minutes less commercials) had 112 instances of an incorrect use of the word. That's like one "like" every like 23.57 seconds. Good Grief.

Being Old Sucks

2009-08-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

I am 43. Usually I don't feel old. Then, I go to work where there are 128 people in my dept. the average age is 33.4 (the median is 29.8) and its 60% women. There are FIFTEEN people that I work with that hadn't had their first birthday when I started my career at this company. And this wasn't my first job.

So, this year I started dying my hair. I use women's hair dye (the cheapest I can find) rather than men's. I tried that men's stuff once and it lasted about a week. The one thing I did like about it is the gloves are bigger in the men's dye. I have to really be carefull not to rip those little gloves that come in women's hair dye boxes. Other than that, its just a pain in the ass to leave that crap on your hair and moustache for 25 minutes and keep it off your skin.

There was a time in my life when I would try to keep stuff like dying my hair a secret. It is more fun to just make fun of it.

Fixing Things

2009-08-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

The pull cord on my weedeater broke. It was true pain to replace the spring that retracts the cord. It reminded me of a time when my old man and I took the oven door off at Teddy's house. The thing came off real easy, but putting it back on was quite another matter. We aren't stupid, but we certainly felt like it as we screwed around trying to get this thing back on. That is how I felt with this cord spring on the weedeater. The thing came apart very easily, but getting it back together was pure hell. So I had to call my dad to get some sympathy. The call started something like this:

Me: Hey Dad, you remember that oven door we had such a hard time getting back on?

Dad: Ya, I remember.

Me: Well I'm having similar problems with this weed eater that I'm working on. It is driving me crazy, so I stopped to drink some beer and give you a call -

Dad: That's how you tell if a man's tough.

Me: Huh?

Dad: That's how you tell if a man's tough, if he trims the hair around his nuts with a weedeater. (Dad remembers every joke he has ever heard. He is a joke remembering/telling machine. Jokes are so engrained in his personality that he sometimes just blurts out punchlines. We'll be driving to Lowe's and he'll say, "cunning runt" or be telling a story and say, "the fantom rides." These are punchlines to jokes that you have to stop him and ask to hear the joke to you understand what he is talking about.)

Me: Oh.

Dad: You know how to tell if a woman is tough?

Me: Huh?

Dad: If her vibrator has a kick start.

Me: Oh. pause Back to the weed eater...

When my old man gets on a roll, he is a really funny guy. Sometimes I laugh with him, sometimes I openly laugh at him. We talked for another several minutes about his health and his upcoming trip to Montana.

I ended the call by saying, "Dad, I love you." I planned to say that when I made the call. I had to plan it, because I can't remember saying those words to my dad in my life. Never. When I was young my dad would say he loved me, but as I recall, it was in the context with the other kids. Like, "I (or we) love you boys." Never to me as an individual. I'm certainly not blaming my reluctance to sharing feelings on my dad. I know without a doubt that his dad never told him he loved him, although I'm sure he did. My grandfather, the son of immigrants grew up on the streets of New York in the depression. Expressing love was not something he ever learned.
Before hanging up Dad said he loved me as well.

I am proud that I am the original "dirty old man's" grandson, but there are a few family traditions my old man and I are working to change.

Candy What?

2009-08-02T18:49:00.000-07:00

Ozzy Jr asked me an interesting question earlier in the summer, "Dad, at what age can I start cussing?" I thought to myself, "whatthehell kind of question is that?" I didn't have a good answer, just "you have to be older than you are."

Fast forward to Saturday. Beautiful weather, I have a ton of stuff to do, and its Ozzy Jr's job to cut the grass and he finally got busy on it. 10 minutes in he saw a wasp. Last week he saw a wasp and wasn't able to finish the job due to his emotional state. Now, he's too scared to cut the grass because he saw a wasp. I was not happy. Cutting the grass was not on my agenda. At the point of our father/son discussion when I knew he was not going to finish the job, I said words that my father may have said to me. "Well, you just take your candy ass inside and unload the dishwasher!" He disappeared into the house.

Earlier in the day we had the disucssion of doing what you fear to overcome the fear, but obviously, he wasn't buying it. I resigned myself to cutting the grass. 20 minutes into the chore, he came out and told me he decided he could do it. He took over and cut the rest of the yard. I was proud that he overcame his fear and later I told him just that. I also said, "sorry I called you a 'candy ass'." He replied, "I like the word 'candy ass'."

I like the word "candy ass" too.

Only at My House...

2009-07-12T18:51:00.000-07:00

People often ask me if what I write here is true. I promise, I'm not motivated enough to make this crap up.

We were spending a quiet evening at home watching a crappy movie we had rented (The Jumper thumbs down), and Mrs Ozzy gets up off the couch and scoots the coffee table out a little. I had Poco (little dog) in my lap and Icee (big dog) was at our feet. Somehow, as she scoots the table out Icee catches his leg in the curled up foot of the coffee table. He starts yelping, twisting himself around, and I look down and he has somehow gotten his leg awkwardly wedged into the table. I feebly try to get him into the right position to free him, but no luck.

This looks very BAD.

He calms down relatively quickly, but he is hopelessly stuck. I tell Mrs Ozzy to call 911 and tell them to send the fire dept. On her way to the phone, she bumps the table and the puppy goes nuts with pain. The dispatcher tells her they will call animal control, but they can't dispatch the fire dept for a non human emergency. She said, "forget it" and hung up. I tell Ozzy Jr. to go across the ditch and get a neighbor that I'm sure has the tools to cut him out. Meanwhile Mrs. Ozzy starts calling other neighbors to come down.

As the first neighbors start to arrive a policeman comes by. Apparently, the police have to be dispatched every time you call 911. He says he'll stay and help. So, John (a neighbor) suggests taking the table top off then using a hacksaw to cut the table leg off. I tell him where the screw drivers are, and I go get my trusty angle grinder. I think, "screw a hacksaw." Meanwhile, John's wife Jody poured oil on the spot to see if there was a way to slide it out. No dice. So, John gets the table top off in pretty short order. There are several points that have to be cut through to get this done and I start with the smallest. 3/4 of the way through, as sparks are flying and the dog is going nuts, I was persuaded to stop. We used the hacksaw to finish the cut. We had at least 4 or 5 cuts to go. I was sweating, and my livingroom smelled like dog crap.

The policeman very adroitly then called the fire dept. They were there in 5 minutes. I guess they believed him more than us. They used the jaws of life to cut the leg off my coffee table. (I can tell Mrs. Ozzy is digging this well built fire fighter). At the suggestion of the policeman, I taped Icee's mouth shut for the protection of everyone. The policeman, fireman, and the fire captain carried him to the car with the coffee table leg in tow. As we put him in the back of Mrs Ozzy's car the table leg came lose. He was stuck in the table leg for about an hour.

Special thanks to our neighbors, the Smyrna Police and Fire Depts.

Talking to God

2009-06-25T05:26:00.000-07:00

Every night when Mrs Ozzy and I put 11 year old Ozzy Jr. to bed we have prayers. He came up with the format. One person does the "salutation" one person does the "body" and one person does the "closing." The responsibilities for these are rotated each night. Jr also came up with a somewhat unique "salutation" and "closing" that we use every night. We stress that this is a time to talk to God, so it should be respectful. Here's how it went last night.
Mrs. Ozzy: Dear Jesus and God
Ozzy Jr. : Please don't let Momma find out that there is a Victoria's Secret catalog and a flashlight under my pillow.
(then he squeezes my hand, which means he's finished with the "body")
Me: and be with Ash and Kels and Granpa and Aaron Small.
Everyone: Love, sincerely The Nelsons, Amen.

Wake Up

2009-06-20T06:04:00.000-07:00

I had this dream last night. It was soooo real. I dreamed m 21 yo daughter Ashlee was addicted to fire extinguisher propellant. She got fired from her job because she kept ruining the fire extinguishers. She lied about doing it. We gave her 30 days to move out of our house because of her bad behavior. The scene switches to a little while later when she admits she as a problem and we are in Lowes. She is obsessed with trying to eat caulk. We are there in the caulk isle and she is uncapping them and squirting them in her mouth. I am trying to get the caulk away from her. She is trying to hurt herself by consuming this poison and I am going nuts. She doesn't care. She is fighting me. I give her a short left to the jaw.
"Ouch." I wake up. Mrs Ozzy had said "ouch".
The knuckles on my left hand felt like they had hit bone.
Oh crap!
"I am so sorry honey, I did not mean to punch you, I was having this dream..."
"Its ok."
"No, I am really, really sorry."
"Its ok."
"I did not mean to punch you. I am so sorry."
"Its ok. My elbow doesn't hurt at all now."
"I hit you on the elbow?"
"Yes. Where did you think you hit me?"
Mrs. Ozzy's head was level with mine in the bed. Ashlee is 5'0 tall. Thank God.

Life and Death

2009-06-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

I volunteer what works out to about two months a year to delivering Communion to members of our church who are unable to get to church. I've been doing this for about 4 or 5 years I guess. One of my first visits was to Marie. Her husband was in a nursing home and she lived at home alone. I'd call her on my days to visit and she would always say, "I'm not feelin too good today honey, but come on ova." I visited her, and I'd go see her husband in the nursing home from time to time before he passed away and give her a report on my visit with him. She always said she didn't feel well, but she always had plenty to say when I got there. Marie moved to the same nursing home her husband died in about a year ago, and I still went to visit her there. Mrs. Ozzy would go with me sometimes and say she could tell by the gleam in her eye that she was just another of my girlfriends.
Marie died yesterday. She was 88. She loved her husband, her church, her family, and she enjoyed teasing a kid half her age about his different styles of facial hair.

My Badge

2009-06-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

I don't have a good reputation keeping up with my corporate badge. My wife knows I can't keep up with it, the security guards in my building know me on a first name basis because I can't keep up with it, and I don't do anything about it. Some people have those spring loaded things that attach them to their belt, I just carry mine in my shirt pocket. No clip, no pocket protector, just a thin badge. I guess having it attached to me would symbolize that I am attached to corporate America. I don't want that.
So, this afternoon I get up from my chair and instinctively pull out my badge from my front pocket. The phone rings. I reach did answer the phone and as if in slow motion, my badge falls into my chair. I tried to retrieve it for 10 minutes, turning it upside down, banging it on the floor, reaching my hand into it. Nothing worked. Through the commotion, my office neighbor comes by and I tell her my story. She doesn't believe me. So, we take the chair to an interior door across the hall and lift it up to the badge reader. It beeps and turns green. She busts out laughing and I go downstairs to confess to security.
While I am out she decides to have a little fun and tells one of our gullible friends that she has discovered that this certain chair is magnatized in such a way as it opens a door just like a badge. They roll my chair to the door and lift it to the card reader. Beep. The friend is amazed. She wants to try another chair. They do. No beep. Then another. No beep. Now my neighbor can't control her laughter.

Sex Does Sell...even for VBS

2009-06-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

We sit down in church Sunday, and there is a flyer about upcoming events laying on the pew. The clipart at the top of the page catches my eye and I say to Mrs. Ozzy, "If all of the young moms are going to wear skirts like that, I'm won't miss Vacation Bible School." She then called me a pervert. Right in chuch. Check the clipart out here.

Boys will be boys

2009-06-06T06:27:00.000-07:00

I coach a 9/10 year old baseball team. It's the first age group that plays kid pitch, so it is always an interesting time. We have this kid on the team, we'll call him Tommy, its his first season playing baseball, but he has played football and he's a good athlete. Tommy is always into the game and has a great attitude, and is a pretty good defensive player. He hasn't quite got the hitting thing down yet.
Well, in our second inning at-bat, Tommy asked to go to the bathroom. He was'nt batting for another several batters and there weren't any outs, so, no problem.
Fast forward to the forth inning.
Tommy: "Coach, I gotta pee"
Me: "boy, you just went in the second inning"
Tommy: "i've gotta go BAD'
Me: "You are next on deck. No, you can't go"
Tommy: "I can't hold it."
A voice from the dugout: "Do you have a gatorade bottle?"
Tommy: "Ya, but its half full"
A voice from the dugout: "hurry up and drink it"
The next thing I know is that there is a ruckus in the corner and kids exclaiming, "He's doing it!"
Tommy is behind the 55 gallon drum trash can peeing in the gatorade bottle. At that moment, he was supposed to be on deck. The kid at the plate strikes out, and I say, "dude, you've got to get out of here now."
He drops the bottle, the dugout erupts with panic, he runs to the plate, pants unziped, unsnapped, belt unbuckled. So, now he's in the batters box trying unsuccesfully to redress himself. The umpire is looking at him like he just peed in the dugout, and the 3rd base coach comes over and gives him a hand with getting himself back together.
Meanwhile, I look in the corner of the dugout, there are splatters of what I'm sure is urine on the wall and as I walk to the scene of the crime, I see a gatorade bottle laying on its side on the ground containing what appears to be a clear liquid. I pick up the bottle with my fingertips and toss it in the trash, getting another shocked response from the team.
I don't remember what Tommy did at his at bat, I'd like to say he hit a home run, but I know that wasn't the case. He was delighted to be the entertainment for a few minutes.

May

2009-06-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

May is gone and its a little sad because Moustache May is always a great time. I will keep the moustache, but will trim it down a little over my mouth.
Ashlee started a new job in Murf. so, she is now working someplace that has insurance and has gloves to use.
Baseball season is nearing a close. It hasn't been the season I'd hoped for, but I have learned a lot, so in that respect it has been good. We'll see what happens in the fall.

You Have Got to Be Kidding Me

2009-05-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

Ashlee (my 21 year old daughter) comes home from her volunteer job at the reduced fee medical clinic yesterday and tells me this story. They only wear surgical gloves when they are donated to them (I did not know this until yesterday). So, yesterday there were no surgical gloves. She takes blood from this patient to do some tests, and just as she disposes of the syringe, the patient says, "you are going to do an HIV test on that as well aren't you?"

I will be donating a box of surgical gloves every time my daughter works from here forward.

Superman

2009-05-12T12:09:00.000-07:00

I see this guy I know out at the ballpark this weekend. He and his wife got some little chinese symbol tattoo on their legs a year or so ago. He comes up to me at the ball park and asks if I have gotten any more work done. I know he's dying to show me a new tattoo. So I ask him. It turns out to be a solid black superman symbol on his shoulder. He said "you like it?" I reply, "well at least it is big enough that it can't be mistaken for a dirt clod."

A Graduate!

2009-05-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

Ashlee is my oldest daughter, she turned 21 last week and last night graduated from Xray tech school. She is currently taking her state boards and looking for a job. I am very proud of her. She has come an extremely long way since she stole that woman's car who was on her death bed. But that is another story. Tonight we are going to celebrate at a local club called Silverado's. I am pretty sure it isn't my kind of hang out, but I am going to have some fun anyway.

So, at the graduation, after the commencement speech (which was pretty good) a bat started flying around inside the venue. It disrupted the ceremony the rest of the way through. It was very entertaining because people in the audience would be screaming as it swooped over their heads and none of the presenters said a word about it, even though they were getting harassed as well.

Horror and Ink

2009-04-30T07:41:00.000-07:00

The annual Tattoo and Horror festival is an event I look forward to every year. It is a pretty big event year after year. Horror stars come and sign autographs, take pictures answer questions, while in another hall the buzz of tattoo machines fill the air. I don't know a thing about horror films, but I love to watch the kids go gaga over some of these "stars." The guy that played "Leather Face" just looks like a regular dude to me, but apparently, he is really something special.

Here are what I thought were the highlights

I got tattooed at the show for the first time.

The belly dancing show never gets old

Teddy did 18 piecings, so he can pay his rent this month

Tom Zombie sang from memory the forth verse of the beloved hymn "Just as I am" (long story)

I gave a dude $5 to take a picture with him and his fakeness

I mistakenly called this bald girl with tattoos on her head "man"

I feel good about missing Sideshow Benny hanging irons from his scrotum.

Boy vs Tree

2009-04-21T07:08:00.001-07:00

Saturday Wyatt decided to chop down a dead bradford pair tree in our yard. I have no idea why. It is strange because usually he thinks "manual labor" is a Mexican President. He made it about half way through Saturday and was determined on Sunday morning to go out in the rain and finish the job. We persuaded him to wait until the rain quit on Sunday afternoon. Mission accomplished.

To Cut, or Not to Cut?

2009-03-28T08:53:00.001-07:00

We visited my dad in Daytona last weekend. Pam and Wyatt went to the beach, I stayed to help the old man get some work done around the property. We put in about 500 feet of fencing, and in the process, I asked him if he wanted me to cut "down" this red bud tree that is growing horizontally across the front of his house. After all, I had the chainsaw out and it would take but a minute. His response, "f*** you, the fantom rides." I took that as a "no." My opinion is that if you like the tree so much, if you cut it down to a stump, it will grow back VERTICALLY, as a tree should. He wasn't buying it. So, I ask, what should be done with the tree?

His First Ass Whippin

2009-03-17T07:11:00.000-07:00

I had baseball practice so Pam took the puppies to puppy class with my daughter. I think everything went good until the end of class when a seven month old mastiff unprovoked grabbed my 20lb puppy "Icee" by the neck and commenced to lifting him off the ground and shaking him. Pam valiantly jumped in and in trying to break the death grip was bitten by Icee on the thumb, which hit a vein and she began bleeding like a victim of a jordin tootoo fight. Finally, the dog let go, the owner (this older woman that has no business with a dog that will eventually weigh more than she does) gracefully cleaned up Icee's bodily functions which he understandably lost control of during the ordeal. When Pam looked up she said there were people 3 deep looking into the training area of the store. They should have charged admission. These pics are of both sides of his neck.

Pam's thumb is sore, but getting better, both she and Icee are on antibiotics. I need to call the manager and tell him it would be wise to cover Icee's vet bill.

Meetings…

2009-03-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

So, I have to go to an offsite meeting this morning. Nine to eleven. Two hours. Ugh. Going to meet with a woman named Chigger. If a person is named after a bug, they should at least be good looking. The opperative word here is "should." Why would someone name their kid after something that crawls under your skin, leaves a welp, and annoys the hell out of you? I am not comfortable going into someone else’s territory and trying to poke holes in what they are doing, but I think that is what was expected of me. Anyway, I am sitting there, and to me these guys appear to know what they are doing. They do this all the time, their methodologies appear to be reasonable. About an hour in I am studying this SQL, and the contact lens in my right eye curls up and I am partially blinded. It is under my eyelid and being annoying, so I am trying to discretely roll my eyes, pull my upper eyelid over the lower (I was glad the lights were out and we were watching dude go through his code on the data show). Anyway, after about ten minutes of trying to dislodge this foreign object, I succeed. It pops out, and I pop it in my mouth. I don’t feel getting up is appropriate because basically this is why I am here. So, I figure I’ll wait until we are finished, find someone in the building I know and borrow some solution. Well, eleven o’clock came and went and they are still talking. I’m trying to position this thing in my mouth to keep it safe. Eleven thirty - still talking. Someone asks me a question about how another dept is handling this situation and I tried to answer without revealing the contents of my mouth, and without spitting it on them. Then, I inhaled. Damnit! As I try to put together a cohesive sentence for this nice lady, my contact is now working its way through my digestive system. The meeting ended, and I can’t see out of my right eye.

You Can't Overcome Dumb

2009-02-27T13:32:00.000-08:00

Actual phone conversation (about the 9th today) from a VP where I work.
VP: Ozzy, did you create those sample files where is describes the size and seed, etc.
Ozzy: Yes. They are in the directory where all of the other files are.
VP: I'm not seeing them. All I see are the Excel files. We REALLY need these for the external auditors when they come to review our work.
Ozzy: They are out there. They start with an "R".
VP: I'm still not seeing them.
Ozzy: What software are you using to view the directory?
VP: Excel
Ozzy: They aren't Excel files, they are text files.
VP: What does that mean?
Ozzy: You should be looking in Window's Explorer, not Excel. Just pull up Window's Explorer and you will see them.
VP: I thought Explorer was how you got to the internet.
Ozzy: That is Internet Explorer.
VP: Then I have no idea what you are talking about. Would my admin know?
Ozzy (thinking): I have a 10 year old son and a 9 week old puppy that would know.
Ozzy: Yes. She would know.
VP: Well I will get with her then.

An Experiment

2009-02-27T06:33:00.001-08:00

I had a lot of "experiments" as a young boy that did not end well. Just ask my old man, he reminds me every chance he gets 35 years later. Like the time I tasted a miniscule piece of an elephant ear plant. Be advised, don’t do it. Or the time I tried to see what it would be like to be blind, so I closed my eyes and tried to walk to the end of my grandparents dock. The height of this dock was about 10 feet off of the river bank. Lets just say I was lucky it was high tide because I only made it about 5 steps.
Wyatt was in the car with Pam and decided he needed to test the cigarette lighter. Why he thought that the best way to do this experiment was to touch it to the end of his nose, I’m not quite sure.

May I intoduce to you, Mr. and Mrs. Teddy Monster!

2009-02-23T17:50:00.000-08:00

Teddy and Angela went and got married last week. Please join me in congratulating the newly weds. I don't know what Teddy's real last name is, so don't try to look up the announcement in the paper. I must say that I am very happy for them and wish them all the best.

The Secret is Out...

2009-02-21T18:15:00.000-08:00

Now, all of Nashville (or the few that actually still read the paper) realizes that my wife is not a fan of my moustache. This was a write up last Tuesday's Tennessean on the resurgence of the lip rug. She learned an important lesson in this experience. If you a woman, DON'T TELL A REPORTER YOUR AGE.

The Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit

2009-02-18T08:44:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine turned me on to this desk calendar (page-a-day by Workman publishing). Only 49 days into the year and this calendar has produced several gems. Listed below are my personal favorites so far:

1/20 - take it to the next level - To ratchet up. The phrase may be used in reference to intensity or performance but often is just thrown out there for effect, leaving the "it" undefined.

2/5 - diversity - A mix of many different kinds of people; something many companies are supposedly deeply committed to in the form of office politics. Somehow, everybody thinks serving cafeteria food that "represents" and "teaches about" different groups of people is a great idea.

2/7 - constructive criticism - Negative feedback presented in a helthy and useful manner, according to the person delivering it. When the boss [or his designee] says, "This looks like shit", take it as constructive criticism.

Friday the 13th Fun!

2009-02-13T04:57:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for something pre-Valentines to get your sweetie in the mood, come out tonight and check out Panty Raid! at the Exit/In in Nashville. I've seen them twice, and its always a good time. Hey, don't just take my word for it, THE Robert Plant says, "They're so charming!"

2009-02-11T09:45:00.001-08:00

My old man loves animals. He calls them "God's creatures." He wasn't always like this. "Old age" has mellowed him. I've seen him kill a rattle snake, which now he would never do because it because "They are God’s creatures.” We raised rabbits when I was a kid for pets, meat, etc. I think we had eighty-something at one time. I've seen him hang a rabbit by its hind legs and hit it in the head with a lead pipe. I don't think he would do that now unless he was really hungry for some hasenpfeffer. Now he photographs animals (mostly birds) and collects them. Collects is a good word. He lives in Florida and when I went to visit in December, he had seven dogs, eight guinea pigs and 20 or so little birds. I helped him give 6 of the pigs away on Craig’s List, but I could tell he couldn’t stand to lose any more. In the pic above he is “five dogging.” Dad has an afternoon nap almost every day, and every day the dogs nap with him. Usually there is one more dachshund that sleeps up around his head, (then he would be “six dogging” his nap) but she opted out of this picture.

For 12 years my family only had one dog. My oldest daughter was given a dog last year by her boyfriend (which we affectionately called “shit bird”). Of course, shit bird didn’t ask us before he decided to bestow this Chihuahua on our house. So, like it or not we now had two dogs. Our oldest dog Amiga had to be put down after Christmas, so we were left with the less than amicable Chihuahua.

We have since adopted two puppies, one to replace Amiga (replace is a horrible choice of words, Amiga can never be replaced) and one on impulse. Now we have three dogs and I’m feeling like I’m turning into my old man. And it isn’t that bad really.

Consistency

2009-02-05T08:07:00.000-08:00

My goal is to post once per week. I have failed.
I was sick this week. Don't know why, but I got to watch some good solid TV. Here's my 2 day sick list of what I watched when I wasn't sleeping, working, or huling.

Ground Hog Day. - Never gets old
A Fist Full of Dollars - Its good even if I couldn't understand half of the dialog
For a Few Dollars More - I used the subtitles, it was great.
Charmed, the mermaid episode - Alyssa Milano in pasties. Enough said. (thanks Kat for letting me know this was on)
Rock of Love, the bus tour - Why did I waste my time with this trash?

A special thanks to Tiger who put together the characature for my blog. He is a better artist than he is a developer. (That was a joke).

DL Pics - A poll

2009-01-12T09:02:00.000-08:00

These are all friends of mine.

Unfortunately I get the inausipicious honor of winning this poll. Though everyone got at least 2 votes and Niko came in a very close second.

Which of these gentlemen would you be LEAST likely to let chaparone your daughter on a date. (From left to right)

Name ................Votes..................... % of votes
------................... ----- ........................-----------
Niko ....................11............................ 32%

Tom Zombie ..........6.............................17%

Will .......................3 .............................8%

Ozzy ....................12 ...........................35%

Killer Bee ..............2 ..............................5%

Parenting III

2009-01-06T08:22:00.000-08:00

My 19 year old daughter Kelsey and me have planned for months that she would come and eat lunch with me on January 5th, then I would take her to the Red Cross to give blood. I am pretty faithful in my giving of blood and the ladies in the donation room have gotten to know me so well that it is like "Cheers" when Norm came into the bar.

Anyway, we went and had a gread sushi lunch and headed for the Red Cross. Kelsey had tried to give blood once before in high school and things didn't go so well, but I promised I was very confident that this time it would be different.

Things were going great and Kelsey had given 400 of the 470 units that she had to give when she started having trouble. Linda, the tech attending to her, had her coughing to help her finish it up when all of the sudden Kelsey spewed sushi, sprite, etc. all over me and herself (yuk, puke in the hair). It was like The Exorcist, a large, green burst of rice and crunchy shrimp. Well, she was able to finish, (yahoo!) but since I was covered in Japanese delight, I had to put my dedication to my job aside and go home to clean up.

You Have Spoken!!

2008-12-28T17:14:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago we had a poll as to what hair color Angie should try next. Well, by a vast majority you said pink, and what do you know, she is now sporting the pink do. And looking quite hot in it I might add.

Should I??

2008-12-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

I received this email from Teddy (see Parenting II below) the other day. This leads me to the pole question...

"Since i was a non smoker when i moved in. and now I'M unfortunately a smoker. what if. during the aweful, cruel, brutally and painfully cold winter i only smoked inside the office next to the window while the window is open. and make sure lots of insence is burnt in this room, and when guests are over i tell them there'S no smoking inside so it won'T become 'Bar like' to ensure that only i smoke in the house every couple of hours in the event that its raining or so painfully cold it hurts to go out. until i quit smoking again..... just a question. your approval matters, seeing as to how your the thoughtful and supportive landlord you are. let a nigga know."

Lone Wolf Body Art Christmas Card

2008-12-10T07:29:00.000-08:00

A Few Of My Favorite Things

Music by Richard Rodgers

Lyrics by Ozzy Nelson

Large black round gauges and
Beards without staches
Walls decorated with
Nudes and with flashes
Young hard bodied coeds
Wanting belly button rings
These are a few of my favorite things
Niko with coffee and
Bob Dylan blaring
Customers hurting and
Artists not caring
Tattoo an armpit and
Damn it sure stings
These are a few of my favorite things
When Brandon’s late
When Tim B. glares
When Teddy gives me the bird
I just remember Lone Wolf Tattoo
And I feeeeel sooooo WORD

Top Ten Disturbing Things That Were Said While Setting Up an Air Mattress With My Father-In-Law

2008-11-28T06:15:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving at the inlaws means you have make shift sleeping arrangements. Setting up the air mattress with a 73 year old man can yield some entertaining comments.

10. Is it in far enough?
9. Feel it. Is it hard enough yet?
8. It isn’t going to work if you don’t keep it pushed up in there.
7. You have to use a certain size thing to stick in.
6. Do we need to try to stick it in the other hole?
5. This one isn’t getting it done like the other one was.
4. Do you have something to punch through this membrane?
3. Its supposed to hold it in there while you screw this thing on.
2. This hole is too big, its gonna leak out.
1. Let me get on my knees before you pull it out.

Parenting II - Land lording

2008-11-19T14:06:00.000-08:00

I was wakened by a call on my cell at 3:30 Sunday morning, it was Teddy Monster, one of my renters. Teddy was more than slightly inebriated. He commences to tell me how much he appreciated me and that he was quite frustrated with his work situation at present. He explained that he was telling his girlfriend Angela about his woes at work and he kicked the oven in his house breaking the glass in the door. (When you break the glass in an oven door, its like breaking a car door window. There are 100,00 pieces that you continue to find a year after the "accident.") Anyway, drunk Teddy tells me he doesn't know how he's going to do it, but he's gonna buy me a new range. Being the caring person that I am, I tried to get him to tell me more about his job situation, but he ignored me.

I visited them the following day to survey the damage. He had done a number on the oven door. I asked his girlfriend, Angela, if she approved of his calling at 3:30 am, she said she didn't. I asked what she was doing while he was babling to me on the phone she said, "cleaning." This week Teddy is on the hunt for a new oven door and is sorry and feels like "an ass". Angela is not planning on roasting a turkey next week.

Parenting

2008-11-05T09:06:00.001-08:00

Sometimes you can't help but be proud of your kids for thinking outside of the box. Wyatt is in 4th grade. His artistic abilities may be in question, but he certainly knows how to get straight to the point in the spelling exercise where the student is supposed to draw a picture that represents the word. Unfortunately, his teacher counted off for Wyatt's pictoral description of the word "rear" in #4. Her comment being, "didn't discuss this definition!"

Hmmm

2008-11-03T08:11:00.000-08:00

Gotta make some more beer tonight because our latest batch spoiled. I want to cry when I have to pour 5 gallons of love and hard work on to the compost pile. I am 90% sure that our problem is with the liquid yeast we are using. I tasted a little of it after I poured out our latest batch and it was bad. So, we will now use dry yeast only.

On a more happy note, I began growing my moustache for Moustache May this week. You find out who your true friends are when you have a luxurious moustache.

My first velvet painting arrived last week. The Great Brandini has agreed to display my collection at his new office.

Beer Making

2008-10-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

A wise man once said, ""Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working." I have to agree. I made my first batch of beer ten or so years ago, then quit because the bottling was too much of a hassle and I didn't have a partner to enjoy the process with. Then, I met Shularbrau. He told me the secret of carefree brewing is to keg your beer instead of bottling. I felt as if I were a college student who was forbidden from taking her car to school and her parents suddenly changed their minds. Free of bottle washing, rinsing, filling, capping and washing again.
I made my first batch - alone. The beer was good, and Pam loved it, but I needed to share the brewing experience with someone equally as enthusiastic. Then, Scott and Katherine came along. Scott is easy to get along with, is all about beer making, and not only that, he has nice boobies (that was a joke).
We have made more than a few batches and have committed a few very serious errors. But we have come through with something we are proud of.
Our goal is to make relatively inexpensive, easy to drink beer that tastes good. We use the same basic formula each time, but we change the variety of hops and yeast to make each batch taste unique. We have written detailed recipes a couple of times and each time it came out tasting like crap, so we quit doing that.
Our basic formula is as follows this batch cost in the $50 range and makes 5 gallons (2 cases):

Get the yeast going with about 2 cups of lukewarm water and 3 tbs light malt or honey. Cover it.
Boil 3.5 gallons of water - we boil outside on a propane turkey fryer
Add 3lbs Dry Amber Malt, 1 lb Dry Light Malt and 2lbs Honey
Wait till it boils again and don't let it boil over (that is a mayday)
When it begins boiling, add .5 oz of boiling hops (hops with alpha acid > 6%)
Look at the time and continue to boil
Wait 30 minutes continue to boil
Add a dash of Irish Moss to help clear the brew
Wait 10 more minutes continue to boil without boiling over
Add one oz finishing hops (hops with alpha acid <>
Wait 5 more minutes and continue to boil
Take wort (not yet beer) off heat and put it in a big sink full of ice water to quickly cool.
Add a 2 gallons of cold water to the pot of wort
Wait until wort is 80 degrees F and rack (siphen) to a sanitized 7.5 gallon bucket.
Pitch (add) the yeast
Cover the wort with lid and top with an airlock
Let it bubble at room temp for 1 week
Rack to glass carboy
Let it bubble at room temp for 1 week - at this point it shouldn't be bubling much
Rack to keg
Add 2 cups corn sugar. Put about 10lb co2 pressure on top of keg and ensure that there are no air leaks.
The sugar will ferment in the keg and will naturally carbonate the batch
Wait 6 days.
Refrigerate Keg
Wait 1 day
Hook up Co2 tank
Drink
Drink more

This is where I start...

2008-10-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

My wife Pam is out of town taking care of her mother, so now is a good time to start this thing.

Cell phones are a wonderful invention, but I am hacked that no one calls them out on how non-green they are. Hey, I'm not a tree hugger by any stretch, but this is obscene. My dog ate one of my phone chargers and my daughter lost the other one for this phone. My bride took the third to her mother's with her. No problem right? I have a drawer full of old chargers. None of the damn things fit into the hole in my girly phone. Don't tell me Samsung can't make one bloody charger for all of their phones and sell the cords separately. They do sell the cords separately now, but I don't want to pay $32 when I have a drawer full of Samsung chargers. I'm sure phone chargers will soon overtake disposable diapers and telephone books as the items that take up the most room in the landfills. So, maybe they can't put the same little female hole on each phone. Well, if you can't do that, then you should have a small device that adapts that phone to the standard. I asked the guy at the phone store if they had such a device. "No, you have to buy the whole cord." Of couse.
So, I acquiesce and buy the $32 charger, and the guy says, "do you have a blue tooth?" I reply, "were you going to throw one in for the purchase of this charger?" Of course not. He just wants me to buy one. I told him if I could use one of my chargers out of my drawer, maybe I would have the resources to buy one.
Problem solved. I now have a phone charger. Getting in my car (which is kind of my daughter's car, but she is in college and I won't let her drive it there) I hear the distinct sound of a seam ripping. I have ripped a 4 inch hole in the butt of my pants. I haven't been to work yet and it's 10:00, so I go on in. I give Pam a call just to share my predicament. She can't believe i'm not going home. I am very committed to my company and my job. I'm going in.
At the door, I ask a coworker, which is also a coworkers wife if she can tell I ripped my pants. "Oh no, you are fine", she says. I'm feeling a little breeze, so I have to get a second opinion. I ask two more friends and they say for sure you can tell. Well, I was going to lunch at 11:00 so I'll just sit at my desk the rest of the afternoon.
I am getting in the car to meet some friends for lunch and I hear that now familiar ripping sound. Oops. Now there is a huge rip in the seat of my pants. Ironically I'm meeting my friends at the CRACKer Barrell.